Category Archives: Humor

The Priesthood of the Disposal of Unwanted Critters


Good morning Everyone!

Have you every noticed how there are hierarchies all around us? A simple example is standing in line – The first person in line goes first, the second person gets to go next, etc.  And there are even a few of us who will, on occasion, step forward to correct a person who dares to challenge the hierarchy by cutting in line.  Such an event follows the principle of proportional palatability  – the chances of being corrected, and the violence used in said correction are directly proportional to the amount of time spent in line and the importance of the item the line is for.  The same chances are indirectly proportional to the palatability to the group psyche of someone barging in front of everyone else.

At our house, we have hierarchies too.  This morning the Priesthood of the Disposal of Unwanted Critters was called to action.

The first and foremost High Priest of the Disposal of Unwanted Critters is Mark.  If he is home, the hierarchy stops there.  I’m not sure where the rule is set out – in the United States Code, the Code of Alabama, the Eleventh Commandment, the United Nations Charter or the Code of Hammurabi – but somewhere it says that the male of the house shall remove all unwanted critters, dead or alive, from the household if he is at home.  It makes perfect sense to me and Kayla, although Mark may not agree.  Unfortunately, unwanted critters are notoriously inconsiderate, and they do appear when Mark is not around.

When it comes to killing and removing spiders and roaches, I become the High Priestess of the Unwanted Critter Department.  And I hate killing spiders and roaches – not because I think they deserve to live in peace, but because deep down I know that at any minute they can grow taller than a house and kill me along with all that I love or, even worse, actually fly (roach) or run (spider) on me.  I was over 40 before I ever killed either a roach or a spider – and that was only out of desperation because Kayla and I were alone.

As High Priestess, it is my privilege to delegate certain removal tasks, and Kayla is in charge of the Removal of Birds Killed by the Dogs.  We had such an incident this morning – I let Darwin and Mandy out, and they both shot over to the far corner of the deck, where I heard a scuffle that lasted about 1/2 second.  I called both of them back sharply.  Darwin arrived with a feather hanging from his lip (commonly known in criminal justice circles as a smoking gun), and Mandy trotted up afterwards.  The poor mocking-bird that had, alas, strayed from its normal habitat was lying on its back with its feet straight up in the classical dead bird pose.  Kayla showed up right afterwards, having heard the scuffle, and performed her duties as Head Acolyte competently and thoroughly.

I was kind of shivering with the willies, and asked her what we were going to do with the bird.  She kind of rolled her eyes, then told me to get her some paper towels.  Taking the paper towels, she gently lifted the bird and placed it in the dumpster, after not so gently admonishing both dogs about killing the bird.  Neither dog was particularly upset by being admonished, which is on par with most canine corrections that involve any member of the Priesthood besides Mark.  (And yes, for all grandmothers concerned who may read this, I did have her wash her hands extremely thoroughly after she came back in, paper towel or no.)

And that was the excitement at our house this morning!  Anything happen interesting at yours?

Have a great day!

Nancy

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Confession by a Compulsive Rule Follower


Good morning Everyone!

From www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

Yesterday I did something almost unthinkable for a techno-dependent ( but not tech savvy) obsessive-compulsive rule follower.  Ever since, I have been looking over my shoulder.

FBI person wearing jacket

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

Homeland Security, the NSA, the FBI and the Secret Service have not called me on the telephone or called on me in person.

Lightning striking women

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

The plentiful lightning in the thunderstorms dotting the landscape as I drove home did not strike.

confused angel

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

Angels did not weep, although they may have been confused.

police car with lights on

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

Police cars did not follow me with sirens wailing as I headed home.

person making complaint

From http://www.clickartonline.com; all rights reserved

I didn’t even get a polite nasty-gram from Microsoft or any other software/operating system provider and my computer started up today just like it does every day.

What dreadful act did I do?

I turned my computer off, ignoring Microsoft’s demand that I neither unplug my computer nor turn it off while it installed 40 different updates to my computer when I was ready to leave yesterday afternoon.  I admit that I did wait for about 15 minutes, but when the computer announced it was still on 1 of 40 updates after those 15 minutes, I, with deliberateness and malice aforethought, unplugged it anyhow and headed home.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I had stopped and restarted my computer  twice during the day, each time receiving no update notices, and I was not in my regular office but in Birmingham where the failure to leave in time to avoid rush hour traffic usually transforms a 2 hour drive into a 3 1/2 hour drive.

Even though I am sure that the 30 minute chunk out of my day needed to complete the updates today was purely accidental, I don’t think I’ll take such a reckless and impetuous action again.

Have a great day!

Nancy

My First TV Interview


Good Morning Everyone!

Last month, I had the chance to talk about my blog on the local television station.  The show’s name is “At Home with Kenny Dean”.  The host, Kenny Dean, was very gracious and made talking easy.  I put together the following excerpt from the interview.  I hope you enjoy it!

“At Home With Kenny Dean” is shown on M, W, H and F from 6-7 p.m. and on T at noon on the local television station in Alexander City, Alabama.  Kenny has a wide variety of guests from many different fields, including some of the best up and coming blue grass and country artists.

Have a great day!

A headline that makes you go hmmmmm…..


Hi Everyone!

I saw the following headline on a web site today – “An Airport That Even Pilots Don’t Like to Land In.”  How many of you besides me wonder who else besides pilots would be landing in an airport?

Have a great day!

Nancy

Church of the What???


Good morning Everyone!

Last weekend, Mark, Kayla and I went to Huntsville to attend a recital given by one of my sisters, who is a gifted soprano.  The recital was at her church, so as Mark and I were looking for the church’s address on our Garmin.  Mark asked what I was looking under, and I told him “Church of the Nativity.”

In the back seat of the car, Kayla (who fades randomly in and out of conversations these days with often hilarious results) said suddenly,” That’s a terrible name for a church!”

When asked to explain, she said,” The Church of Negativity? Who would want to go there?”

It took Mark 3 blinks and me 5 to contain our amusement where we could calmly explain that the deletion of two letters changed the meaning from something unpleasant to something wonderful.

She did roll her eyes at me when I announced after the explanation, “Coming soon to a blog near you!”

Have a great day!

Nancy

Time Matters


Good morning Everyone!

Elegant Mantel Clock

NIGHT BEFORE:

Picking up necessary medication after work: 20 minutes.

Putting bag with necessary medication down in the house somewhere:  10 seconds.

Greeting husband and daughter:  5 minutes.

NEXT MORNING:

smiley-frowny-face_17913_

1st sweep of house for bag containing necessary medication:  5 minutes. 

smiley more frowny face

2nd sweep of house for bag containing necessary medication:  5 minutes. 

more frowny face

3rd sweep of house for bag containing necessary medication: 5 minutes

angry face

4th sweep of house for bag containing necessary medication:  4 minutes, 45 seconds.

relief 2

Being saved by 15 seconds from calling husband and daughter and throwing monumental (unfair) hissy fit about stuff being moved without knowledge:

Priceless!

Have a great day!

Nancy

Maternity Fraternity


Good morning Everyone!

Copyright Protected by www.clickartonline.com.  Used with Permission.

Copyright Protected by http://www.clickartonline.com. Used with Permission.

We were driving around a shopping center this weekend to find an American Eagle Outfitter – Kayla had thirty dollars burning a hole in her pocket.  On our way to the store, Kayla suddenly piped up with “Gee, they must be really big to have one of those!  I didn’t know they had a college here!”

Mark and I asked together,” One of those what?”

She said,” You know, one of those places where college boys get together and have parties. ”

We were dumbfounded for about 5 seconds until light broke through our befuddlement.

We then took a few minutes to explain that the difference between the words “maternity” and “fraternity” was more than just spelling.

Maternity.  Copyright Protected by www.clickartonline.com.  Used with Permission.

Maternity. Copyright Protected by http://www.clickartonline.com. Used with Permission.

Have a great day!

Nancy

Top Things That Irritate Me at Fast-Food Drive-Thrus


Good morning Everyone!

fast food window

Cartoon Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com
All rights reserved

I use fast food drive-thrus far more than I should.  Here are some of the things that irritate me the most:

1)  The failure to follow simple rules of etiquette.  The words “please”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome” shouldn’t be considered archaic and outdated!

2)  Giving me a regular Coke when I ordered a Diet Coke.

3) Worse, giving me a Dr. Pepper or Diet Dr. Pepper when I have ordered a Diet Coke.

4) Those drive-thrus that deliberately plot against me by giving me the correct drink 20 times in a row than failing to give me the right drink the one time in 21 trips that I do not check the drink before I pull out of the drive thru.  (How do they know?)

Soda cup

Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com
All rights reserved.

5)  When did ketchup and napkins become luxury items doled out in dribbles?

6)  Getting my order wrong.  Especially when I don’t realize it until after I have left the drive thru window.

7) Putting a sign up ordering me to turn off my windshield wipers when I pull up to the window.  I do it anyhow, of course, just to be polite, but I don’t appreciate being ordered to do so.

8)  Being called “sweetie”, “honey” or “darling” by people half my age.

Graphic Credit:  www.clickartonline.com All rights reserved.

Graphic Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com
All rights reserved.

9)  Receiving a deluxe hamburger with only cheese and pickles on it when I asked for a deluxe hamburger with everything on it except cheese and pickles.  I think the cook who did that not only bore a grudge but a sense of humor.

10)  Asking me for my order, then only entering the first thing I say after I give you the entire order.  Then asking me again, only to enter the second thing I say while I give you the entire order.  Repeat ad nauseam.

Have a great day!

Nancy

Error Messages


Good morning Everyone!

Uh Oh!  Photo Credit:  www.clickartonline.com

Uh Oh!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

Anyone who uses a computer has encountered error messages.  While the worst of these is the blue screen of death – a blank page with a single “>” blinking in the top left corner, other messages make me certain that either the computer or its engineers have a warped sense of humor.

Message One:  Windows has encountered an improper argument.

Every time I get this one, I think,”Join the club.”  I didn’t realize that Windows was raising a 13-year-old too!

Message Two:  The trust relationship between this workstation and the primary domain is broken.

Really?  What did the workstation do?  It must have been bad – the primary domain was unrelenting.  Candy, flowers, cards and sweet messages were not sufficient to restore the trust relationship.    A shotgun blast at the primary domain would not have done so either – although it would have been cathartic both for me and the workstation!

Message Three:  Please do not turn off or power down your computer.

This message does not appear during regular business hours, when I will be using my computer for hours  but only when I am trying to turn my computer off so I can take it somewhere with me.  The odds of the message appearing and the amount of time the computer wants me to wait are directly proportional to the degree of my lateness.

Honorable Mention:  Please begin walking to turn the machine on. 

I received this message from an elliptical exercise machine – while I was walking on it.  Exercise is hard enough without a trash-talking machine!

Have a great day!

Nancy

An Open Letter to Mother Nature


 

From the Boston Area:

In Boston Photo Courtesy of Corriveau family

In Boston
Photo Courtesy of Corriveau family

Dear Mother Nature:

CUT IT OUT!

Sincerely,

The Lower 48 of the United States.

From Huntsville, Alabama

Huntsville, Alabama Photograph by Kelly Kazek at al.com

Huntsville, Alabama
Photograph by Kelly Kazek at al.com

From the Las Vegas Area:

Las Vegas Suburb Photograph by Jeff Scheid, Law Vegas Review Journal

Las Vegas Suburb
Photograph by Jeff Scheid, Law Vegas Review Journal