A piano book appeared in our house the other day. I say “appeared” because none of the three of us remembers where it came from or when it arrived, but it is full of easy Christmas music arrangements by Dan Coates, and the title of the book is Top 50 Christmas Hits.
While the book has many of what we would think of as “traditional” Christmas carols, and even some of the less “traditional” but familiar Christmas songs such as “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” there are songs in this “top 50” book that I have never heard. Some of them, I thought, were worth sharing with you.
1) In the “Okay, then,” category: “The Annual Animal Christmas Ball,” Words and Music by George David WeissSee the donkeys going wild, See the rabbits by the mile, Racin’ rather madly down the trail, Honkin’ geese and quackin’ ducks, Little lambs and great big bucks, Never even stopping to inhale. See the horned rhinoceros, And the duck-billed platypus, Go with greater gusto than a gale; And it’s not polite to laugh When the camel and giraffe Stop to thumb their noses at the snail. *** It’s the annual animal Christmas Ball, It’s the annual animal Christmas Ball, And a very good time will be had by all, At the annual animal Christmas Ball.
2) In the “truth in advertising” category: “Nuttin’ for Christmas,” Words and Music by Sid Tepper and Roy C. BennettI broke my bat on Johnny’s head, Somebody snitched on me. I hid a frog in sister’s bed, Somebody snitched on me. I spilled some ink on Mommy’s rug, I made Tommy eat a bug, Bought some gum with a penny slug, Somebody snitched on me. Oh, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad. I’m getting nuttin’ for Christmas. I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.
3) In the “Too Much Math for Me!” category: “Thirty-two Feet and Eight Little Tails,” Words and Music by John Redmond, James Cavanaugh and Frank WeldonDash, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Over the moon so bright, Thirty-two feet and eight little tails of white Hurry, hurry hurry through the night.
4) In the “Let’s Not Go There” category: “The Twelve Pounds of Christmas” Words and Music by Tom Zigler. (I’ll just put out the last verse for your reading pleasure!)On the twelfth pound of Christmas, my mirror said to me, “Sooie, pig, sooie!” Grazing is for cattle, Schedule liposuction, I wouldn’t wear that Spandex, That’s not on Weight Watchers, Don’t go back for seconds, Cut back just a little, The dryer shrunk your jeans! You’re retaining fluid, You’re big-boned, I really didn’t notice, And your butt still looks good to me!
(As the founding member of the “Chocolate Santas Are Good for You” Association, I object strongly to the opinions expressed in the previous song!)
5) In the “Oops!” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” categories: “Santa Claus on De Coconut Tree” Words and Music by John Fales and Horace Linsley.In de tropics where we have no snow, Rudolph and de reindeer, dey cannot go, But our little island, Santa never forget. He bring us all gifts in his corporate jet. But this Christmas Eve, oops! He run outta gas. Santa gotta bail out mighty fast. Plane and presents splash into de sea. We’ll parachute land him on a coconut tree. Santa Claus on de coconut tree, Wavin’ and smilin’ so merrily. Christmas mornin’, What a sight to see! Santa Claus on de coconut tree!
6) And in the multiple categories of “Weirdest Christmas Song Ever,” “Say what?” and “That’s Just Disgusting,” I bring you the marvelous saga of “The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey,” Words and Music by Lauren Mayer.Frightening, horrible things they say Can lurk in what seems to be ev’ryday. So better be wary, It’s even more scary when Evil appears to be sweet. Take, for example, this time of year. Should elves and Santa Claus cause us fear? This innocent season is all the more reason to watch out or you might meet The fruitcake that ate New Jersey Never shows any mercy Devouring ev’rything in each town And nothing and no one can slow it down. Ev’ryone it would since meet Ends up as a hunk of mincemeat. A horrible fate, to end up on the plate of the Fruitcake that ate New Jersey!
Have a good day everyone!