Tag Archives: Christmas humor

Top 50 Christmas Songs?

Hi Everyone!

A piano book appeared in our house the other day.  I say “appeared” because none of the three of us remembers  where it came from or when it arrived, but it is full of easy Christmas music arrangements by Dan Coates, and the title of the book is Top 50 Christmas Hits.

While the book has many of what we would think of as “traditional” Christmas carols, and even some of the less “traditional” but familiar Christmas songs such as “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” there are songs in this “top 50” book that I have never heard.  Some of them, I thought, were worth sharing with you.

1) In the “Okay, then,” category:  “The Annual Animal Christmas Ball,” Words and Music by George David Weiss

See the donkeys going wild, 
See the rabbits by the mile, 
Racin’ rather madly down the trail, 
Honkin’ geese and quackin’ ducks, 
Little lambs and great big bucks, 
Never even stopping to inhale.
See the horned rhinoceros, 
And the duck-billed platypus, 
Go with greater gusto than a gale; 
And it’s not polite to laugh
When the camel and giraffe 
Stop to thumb their noses at the snail. 
It’s the annual animal Christmas Ball, 
It’s the annual animal Christmas Ball, 
And a very good time will be had by all, 
At the annual animal Christmas Ball. 

2) In the “truth in advertising” category:  “Nuttin’ for Christmas,” Words and Music by Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett

I broke my bat on Johnny’s head, 
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister’s bed, 
Somebody snitched on me. 
I spilled some ink on Mommy’s rug, 
I made Tommy eat a bug, 
Bought some gum with a penny slug, 
Somebody snitched on me. 
Oh, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas, 
Mommy and Daddy are mad. 
I’m getting nuttin’ for Christmas. 
I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.  

3) In the “Too Much Math for Me!” category:   “Thirty-two Feet and Eight Little Tails,” Words and Music by John Redmond, James Cavanaugh and Frank Weldon

Dash, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, 
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, 
Over the moon so bright, 
Thirty-two feet and eight little tails of white
Hurry, hurry hurry through the night. 

4)  In the “Let’s Not Go There” category: “The Twelve Pounds of Christmas” Words and Music by Tom Zigler.  (I’ll just put out the last verse for your reading pleasure!)

On the twelfth pound of Christmas, my mirror said to me, “Sooie, pig, sooie!”
Grazing is for cattle, 
Schedule liposuction, 
I wouldn’t wear that Spandex, 
That’s not on Weight Watchers, 
Don’t go back for seconds, 
Cut back just a little, 
The dryer shrunk your jeans! 
You’re retaining fluid, 
You’re big-boned, 
I really didn’t notice, 
And your butt still looks good to me! 

(As the founding member of the “Chocolate Santas Are Good for You” Association, I object strongly to the opinions expressed in the previous song!)

5) In the “Oops!” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” categories:  “Santa Claus on De Coconut Tree” Words and Music by John Fales and Horace Linsley.

In de tropics where we have no snow, 
Rudolph and de reindeer, dey cannot go, 
But our little island, Santa never forget. 
He bring us all gifts in his corporate jet. 
But this Christmas Eve, oops! 
He run outta gas. 
Santa gotta bail out mighty fast.
Plane and presents splash into de sea. 
We’ll parachute land him on a coconut tree. 
Santa Claus on de coconut tree, 
Wavin’ and smilin’ so merrily.
Christmas mornin’, 
What a sight to see! 
Santa Claus on de coconut tree! 

6) And in the multiple categories of “Weirdest Christmas Song Ever,” “Say what?” and “That’s Just Disgusting,” I bring you the marvelous saga of “The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey,”  Words and Music by Lauren Mayer.

Frightening, horrible things they say
Can lurk in what seems to be ev’ryday.
So better be wary, 
It’s even more scary when
Evil appears to be sweet.
Take, for example, this time of year.
Should elves and Santa Claus cause us fear? 
This innocent season is all the more reason to watch out or you might meet
The fruitcake that ate New Jersey
Never shows any mercy
Devouring ev’rything in each town
And nothing and no one can slow it down. 
Ev’ryone it would since meet
Ends up as a hunk of mincemeat. 
A horrible fate, to end up on the plate of the
Fruitcake that ate New Jersey!

Have a good day everyone!


The Twelve Days Pre-Christmas


(To the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” with apologies to Mark, who hates that song!)


On the first day pre-Christmas, my true love said to me:  “We need to go shopping promptly.” 


On the second day pre-Christmas, my true love said to me, “Need to put the tree up.”
–  But we need to go shopping promptly.


On the third day pre-Christmas, my true love said to me, “Let’s have a party!”
 (But we need to put the tree up
And we need to go shopping promptly.)


 On the fourth day pre-Christmas, my child said to me, “I need some presents! You’ll have a party.  Why isn’t the tree up?” and “You need to go shopping promptly!”


On the fifth day pre-Christmas, my wondering eyes did see – A SALE AT MACY’S! 
My child  still needs presents,
The party’s Friday,
The tree still is not up
And I need to go shopping promptly!


On the sixth day pre-Christmas, my bad self said to me, “Eat a chocolate Santa!”
– There’s A SALE AT MACY’S!
My child still needs presents,
The party’s Friday,
The tree is still not up
And I need to go shopping promptly.


On the seventh day pre-Christmas, my conscience said to me, “No more chocolate Santas!”
(I don’t care, I found one!) 
There’s a SALE AT MACY’S!
My child still needs presents,
The party’s Friday,
The tree is halfway up
And I need to go shopping promptly.


On the eighth day pre-Christmas, the school note said to me “20 cupcakes in two days now! ” 
No more chocolate Santas!
(How about a Reese’s?),
There’s a SALE AT MACY’S!
Child’s gifts now hidden,
The party’s soon,
The tree just got knocked down
And I need to go shopping promptly.


On the ninth day pre-Christmas my true love said to me, “Aren’t you a little stressed dear?”
20 cupcakes by tomorrow,
(I don’t care, I’ll have one),
There’s a SALE AT MACY’S! 
Child’s not found her gifts,
Party’s almost here,
The tree is standing up
And I need to go shopping promptly.


On the tenth day pre-Christmas, my oven said to me, “Why haven’t you bought the turkey?”
I’m a little stressed now,
20 cupcakes by this evening,
(Shut up about the Santas! – I’m going to have two more now)
There’s a SALE AT MACY’S! 
Child’s gifts still in hiding,
The party’s now,
The tree is not yet lit
And I need to go shopping promptly.


On the eleventh day pre-Christmas, my true love said to me, “What about the dressing?”
Where did I put the turkey? 
I’m getting truly stressed now,
20 cupcakes from the grocers,
NO MORE CHOCOLATE SANTAS!  (I can’t hear you Conscience)
There’s a SALE AT MACY’s! 
Child’s gifts locked up tight now,
The party’s done,
The tree just blew a fuse
And I need to go shopping promptly!


On the day that Christmas got here, I woke up and did see –
A banquet for my family,
Turkey and Dressing,
Even giblet gravy,
Stress has gone away now,
Stockings filled with care
(But no chocolate Santas)
Child loves her gifts,
No more parties now,
Tree is A-OK,
And I’m going to nap until New Years!