Tag Archives: humor

Life in a Small Town: The Local Paper

Posted on July 15, 2011 | 2 comments

Good morning Everyone!

Do you think Disney really thought about the fact that they are releasing the new Winnie the Pooh movie on the same weekend as the last Harry Potter movie?  I know which one we are going to see.  (Hint:  Eeyore is not in it!)

But I digress – The local paper, which comes out once a week was delivered in the mail yesterday.  Kayla and I both enjoy reading it, and there is a good chance someone we know will be in it.  I find it very comforting that in this age of constant media bombardment, there still are places where “all the news fit to print” is printed once a week, in a paper that can be read in less than 10 minutes, usually. 

Front page news this week includes the fact that the mayor has had to give a radio statement to permanently and firmly squelch a rumor that had been going around town that he had recently been arrested and charged with DUI.  There is a huge color picture on the front page showing some of the members of the local swim team practicing for the district meet that is being held today with the caption “Shark Attack.”  Swim meets are a big thing in this town; one of my friends from another town in the area has his children doing swim team, too, and he says whenever my town is in a meet, there is so much purple and gold swarming the buildings that it reminds him of an LSU football game.  (Purple and gold are our sports teams’ colors – all sports.) 

It is also big news that the city council has approved one of the local (but chain) drug stores’ application to sell alcohol, and that a second Dollar General is moving into town.  A picture on the second page tells us that the Farmer’s Market drew a crowd this weekend, and that it will continue every Saturday until Labor Day from 7 – 11.  The wedding announcements and obituaries are always big news, as are the church announcements.  13 churches in our town have announcements in the paper, but on another page, which simply lists the churches here, there are a total of 75 listed.  (This is a good thing, not a bad thing.)

Sports news is always big, and this week is no exception.  One of the big stories is that football tickets and parking permits for the high school football games will be available to the public starting Monday, August 8.  High school football is one of our premier events – one year, our town moved the official celebration of Halloween from Friday, October 31 to Saturday, November 1 simply to avoid a conflict with the local football game. 

We have our share of sales ads, too – today’s sampling includes a 12 page ad from one of the local grocery stores, a 24 page leaflet from Best Buy, which is not located here but does have stores in both Montgomery and Auburn, both of which we can reach fairly easily, and an ad for a local pharmacy.  The ad I find most curious is the 12 page ad for Rite Aid, which no longer has a store in our town, and hasn’t for at least 8 months.  I suppose somebody somewhere will figure that out soon.

I didn’t see the “police blotter” listing arrests and calls for the police department this week, but I may have just overlooked it.  It usually is published, and it is always an interesting read, the more so because it is rarely tragic.  While we have unfortunately had a couple of really shocking crimes the past couple of years, including a brutal assault on an elderly couple, a murder, and an arson incident that took out a good portion of our downtown but by the grace of God failed to injure anyone, most of the time the police blotter is limited to calls about neighbor’s noises, domestic disturbances, traffic tickets, and that most interesting of categories, miscellaneous calls.  You never quite know what will turn up there!

Well, it’s Friday, but I have a lot of work to get done before next Tuesday, (a summary judgment response, a Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals brief, and two Daubert motion responses) so I need to sign off for now. 

Have a great weekend everyone!

Nancy

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Blogging Lessons I Have Learned

Posted on July 14, 2011 | 16 comments

Good morning Everyone!

This post today will be my 108th post.  I have been blogging since February 22, and this is as good a time as any to take stock of what I have learned since then.

1)   It is wonderful to be able to write something someone else reads and have them say, “I like that!” 

2) I have written approximately 54,000 words in 108 posts which have included 516 images.  Each post has taken (on average, unless lots of pictures are involved) 45 minutes or less to write.  That is equivalent at least to a novella! 

3) I can sit down every day and write.  In fact, I enjoy doing it.

4) SEO does not involve a corporation’s management structure, bounce rate is not a basketball statistic and “keyword” and “password” are not equivalent terms.

5) The “site stats” page on WordPress is addictive.

6) So is getting Freshly Pressed.  It happened to me once, (Rules I Never Thought I’d Need) and I still harbor a faint hope with every post I make that another one will get Freshly Pressed some day…

7)  There are lots of extremely interesting people from all over the world who read this blog.  I have had the chance to get to know some of them.

8)  My family and friends read this blog almost every day –  devotion above and beyond the call of duty.  Some people who didn’t know me originally read this blog almost every day, too, which is really amazing!

9) My daughter is an exceptionally good sport to let me write about her.  The dogs don’t really care what I write about them.  Mandy is much better at finishing her food now that I write beside her while she eats.  (Dog Rules)

10) Toasted bagels with peanut butter and typing on a keyboard are a messy combination. 

11) Someone out there keeps searching “husky-basset hound mixes.”  Whoever you are, I would be really interested to know why.  I thought we had the only husky-basset hound mix in the world. 

Mandy, Our Husky-Basset Hound Mix

12) No matter how many cameras you have, (I’m at 3 right now), you still can manage to forget to bring one when you need it.

13) Even the most mundane things are funny, if you look at them the right way.  (Light Switches.) 

Hall Light Switch

14) I love to hear from you, and am very grateful to every reader who has taken the time to comment on a blog. 

15) Pens continue to disappear at an alarming rate at my house.  (Of Waves and Pens.)

16) Life is beautiful and it is fun to share!

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

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Posted in dogs, Just stuff..., On the Home Front, Reflection, working mom, Writing

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Golf – for the rest of us!

Posted on July 13, 2011 | 4 comments

Good morning everyone! 

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller  hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill

It has been early spring since I played golf.  Of course, I use the term “play” quite loosely – a better description of my golf game involves the use of the terms “machete” and “hack” but you get the idea.  Mark is much better than I am, but due to a condition similar to Phil Mickelson’s psoriatic arthritis, some days he plays better than others.  Kayla’s golf game has yet to be defined; she currently has been told that she plays a specialized position known as “ball spotter and fetcher” which requires a person to run out and retrieve balls from a distance, but does allow a chance at a shot or two to the green from a short distance away, along with an occasional turn at driving the golf cart.   

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. ~Phyllis Diller

Even though we haven’t played golf, not even gone to the driving range, since about April, we do watch it quite frequently.  The pros make it look so easy!  The magnificent way they step up to a ball, take a swing and hit it continually amazes me, not to mention the fact that they can make that same ball travel an amazing distance in a straight line!  This year’s Master’s finish was one of the most exciting finishes to a pro tournament I can remember for a long time, and I think we all were excited to see Rory McIlroy, a young (to me) Irish kid who seems as nice as he possibly can be, win the U.S. Open.  The pros make me believe for one shining moment that I can hit the ball – until that deflating moment when I stand at the first tee of the first hole, carefully place my ball on the wooden peg, take my practice swing, then swing with everything I have – only to find that I completely missed the ball, yet again.

If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head. ~Harry Vardon

However, Mark, my husband, had a brilliant idea while we were at the beach, driving around and passing by golf courses on which I never will be good enough to play.  (Why do they insist on putting people’s houses on either side of the fairway?)  He calls it “Mark’s Golf Course for Regular Guys.”  Its motto is “Golf – for the Rest of Us!”  He has gone so far as to prepare the following prospectus:  

Mark’s Golf Course for Regular Guys:  The only water is in bottles and par is a theoretical ideal, not a hard and fast goal. In fact, score cards are generally frowned. The greens all slope toward the middle like a big drain and mulligans are in vogue. The quality of the golf may not be world-class, but there is plenty of barbecue and good friends. Prices are low, the scores are high and everyone has fun. For investment opportunities contact….

I intend to be one of the first customers! 

I know of a great tool that will take five strokes off  any game.  It’s called an eraser.  – Arnold Palmer

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

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Posted in Just stuff..., working mom, Wow! I never thought of it that way before.

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Shameless Self-Promotion

Posted on July 8, 2011 | 4 comments

Hi Everyone!

I overslept this morning, and have been working all day, but now am waiting for a client who is late, so thought I would take a minute to 1) wish each of you a wonderful weekend, and 2) post the following links to my  prose pieces published on Yahoo Contributor and beg you to take a look at any of them you haven’t read yet.  I am at 776 total views, and need to make 100o to earn my first $1.50.  That is almost enough to buy a large soft drink at McDonalds!  Anyway, here they are:

1) Adventures of a Boston Tourist – A tale of wonderful misadventure among the narrow lanes of Boston

2)  The Model 3300 Robotic Clone Return – A short, funny science fiction story about a robotic experiment that went sadly wrong

3) Words That Let You Live – A discussion of several Bible verses and what they mean in my life

4) The First Fourth of July Fireworks As a Family  – The first Fourth of July we shared with our daughter

5) The War Begins  – A short story about a Belgian family on the eve of World War I

6) A Horse, Snakes and Scorpions – My recollections of the one trip I took to Girl Scout camp when I was a child. 

Please read them, and I think you will enjoy them!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Nancy

P.S. Look out Monday for my post on “Star-Crossed Lovers.”

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Drunken Puppies

Posted on July 7, 2011 | 4 comments

Good morning Everyone!

 

 

Every once in a while, you run across a headline that makes you go “hmmmmmm…..”  Today I ran across the following gem:  “Pet Store Bans Drunken Puppy Buying.”  After I looked twice to be sure I read it correctly, the thought crossed my mind that the headline makes a lot of sense.  After all, how can a puppy make a good owner choice if it is drunk?  And if drinking and driving is bad (and it is), how can you condone drinking and selecting an owner? 

Coordination is an issue too.  Puppies have a hard enough time walking and navigating around a room to begin; imagine the effects if alcohol is added to the mix!  I knew a puppy (Shadow) who used to love to run through tunnels she had made under the bed between storage boxes at night at full speed – until the night she made a wrong turn and slammed head first into the bedroom wall.  (We didn’t see it, but we heard it.)  How much worse would it have been if she had been drunk!

Shadow and Woof - Never Drunk but Always Crazy!

We all know that alcohol impairs judgment and a puppy’s judgment is questionable at best to begin with; I suspect it would be nonexistent with alcohol added.  The first week we had him, Darwin decided to tear out all of our porch screens in three days. If he had had one or two daiquiris beforehand, not only screen replacement, but also a vet visit would have been in order, since his lack of balance would have precipitated him over the 15 foot drop between the porch and the ground.  (Vets are much more expensive than screens, for those of you keeping score.)

The Terminator! (Of Screens)

And let’s think a minute people – is it really a good idea to give a mind-altering substance to an animal that loses its mind when it experiences its first car ride with the windows down or its first potato chip?   For that matter, how exactly do you give a puppy a breathalyzer test and what is the legal limit for puppies?  The enforcement issues are mind-blowing!

So, kudos to the pet store for the courage to take a stand and here’s hope for the rehabilitation of all those drunken puppies! 

Have a great day!

Nancy

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Writer’s Block, Socks and Sunsets

Posted on July 6, 2011 | 1 comment

Good morning Everyone!

I don’t know how it happened, but I am having a bit of writer’s block today, so help me out and if there are any topics you are interested in hearing about some other time, could you please leave me a comment? 

Kayla in the car (Not sleeping, but you get the idea)

I had the chance to envy my daughter this morning.  While we were driving to work today, she decided to curl up and take herself a little snooze.  I started to wake her up and tell her that she could drive and I would nap, but the last time I tried that, she looked over at me, raised her eyebrows and said firmly, “Not happening Mom!”  Besides, she can’t reach the pedals yet, which would be problematic.  

Mandy and Darwin confer on their sock capers

Socks are appearing in random places throughout the house again, usually one member of a pair dropped in the center of the floor, and the other member chewed and tucked in a corner, so I will have to figure out where Bad Dog and No-no are collecting them from.  Bad Dog managed to snatch a quarter of a bagel off my plate yesterday morning too, when I had to leave the breakfast table to discover what the wails in my daughter’s bedroom were all about.  (The child had the audacity, with her clothes cupboard open and chock full of clothes, to tell me that she was crying because she didn’t have anything to wear.)  Bad Dog wasn’t too upset when I got on to her about the bagel, either. 

Tyra

Tyra managed to muster enough spryness last night to jump on the bed for the first time in a while, which was nice to see.  She also won the gold star for exemplary conduct when Mark’s mother came over to have supper with us.  Darwin and Mandy were over-exuberant in their greeting so got exiled to the patio for a little while, but Tyra waited until a good time and then walked over to be petted without any leaping, or barking or other shenanigans.

Finally, I thought I would share Kayla’s pastel sunset with you.  Kayla is taking art with the same teacher I have for the summer, and this is the third thing she has done, but her first pastel.  I was pretty blown away!

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

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Magnetic Attraction

Posted on July 5, 2011 | Leave a comment

Good morning!

I hope everyone had a nice Fourth of July.  We had a nice one, a quiet weekend, with a lot of laughter, but not the kind of things you can easily share, except for Kayla’s chiding comment to Mandy that Mandy needed to improve her “altitude.”  While all of us will admit that Mandy is vertically challenged, more altitude is not something she needs.  I saw her leap this weekend greeting someone and when she did, her face was level with this person’s face.  Kayla meant “attitude”, but I am afraid that when dealing with “No-no”, attitude is a lot cause. 

Today, however, I am sitting here eating breakfast, hoping against hope that the (new) shirt I am wearing is not magnetic.  Although magnetic shirts are not a part of most people’s life, I am extraordinarily gifted at picking out shirts that attract food stains.  Other people go blithely throughout life with shirts that never see a stain, but not me.   

Spaghetti sauce is especially attracted to everything that I wear, with the power of the attraction increasing geometrically to the whiteness of the shirt involved.  I have seen the sauce leap a four foot gap just to reach my shirt – without hitting anyone or anything else in the room! 

Most people (except perhaps my husband) encounter trouble with spaghetti sauce somewhere along the line, but my shirts attract much more than just spaghetti sauce.  Any kind of sauce or dressing is a lock to reach my shirt, and I have even gotten stains from food items that should tamely stay either on the plate or in my mouth where they belong, including simple things like apples and carrots. 

I was afraid I was going to find a new source of shirt attraction last year when I started art lessons.  Strangely, although you would think that my shirts’ magnetism would be even stronger when it comes to paints and pastels and charcoal, they are not.  Paints, pastels and charcoal are much more interested in reaching paper than they are in reaching my shirt, although there was the one incident when some oil paint overcame its attraction to the canvas to leap instead onto one of my shirts.  Of course, it took a pure white shirt to accomplish that. 

Is there a solution to this problem?  I am not sure, but I have at least learned one thing:  Shout is definitely my friend!

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

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Posted in Just stuff..., On the Home Front, Out of the mouths of babes...., Pets, working mom

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In Honor of the Fourth: Kayla’s Turn

Posted on July 1, 2011 | 2 comments

Good morning/afternoon everyone!

One of the things I have thought a lot about lately, as the Fourth approaches and as the news continues to stress differences between us, is how much we Americans have in common that no-one every acknowledges.  Chief among those commonalities is the hope that our children will experience a future far better than the present that we experience.  We may disagree on the method that it will take for us to get there, but I don’t know anyone who wakes up one day and says, “You know, I really hope that the world will be a much more terrible place for my child than it is for me right now.” 

So, in honor of that sentiment, today is Kayla’s turn to supply material (that she herself chose, as opposed to that which I reported) for this post.

Monday morning, as I was trying to get ready for work, she got hold of the camera and followed the dogs around for about 45 minutes taking pictures.  I promised her that I would use her pictures in my blog, so today is the day.  I did take the liberty of making up the captions for the pictures, though.

She got some good basic pictures of the dogs, including one with Mark and Mandy sharing a moment together:

Tyra Waiting on the Sofa

Look closely at Mandy’s tail in this one:

Mandy in the bathroom

 And here Mandy and Mark are sharing a moment together before either realizes Kayla and the camera are in the room:

Mandy and Mark in the Morning

Darwin was waiting his turn in the kitchen:

Darwin waits in the kitchen

She also got some fantastic pictures of Mandy in her favorite lookout spot, the sofa in the study area of the great room.  We call it her lair.  

Mandy in her favorite lookout spot

Sometimes Darwin wanders by:

Mandy and Darwin confer

When Mandy is in her lair, it can be easier to get close-ups of her:

Mandy's close-up

Tyra, as head dog, is allowed to claim the leather sofa as hers whenever she wants it.

Tyra holds court on the couch

Kayla also managed to catch Mandy, as Bad Dog, and Darwin, as No-no, in action.  I think I would have preferred her to save the items they were working on, but at least you now have proof that the two dogs, even though they can look so sweet in their pictures, do have alter-egos!

Bad Dog’s Criminal Caper:

In the legal field, we might consider this to be a smoking gun:

The Smoking Gun....

Denials are useless at this point:

But ultimately she remains unrepentant as she plans her next criminal caper with the victims – Kayla’s flip-flops – in plain view.

Sleeping I dreamed, Love, I dreamed, Love, of thee.

No-no’s plan of attack centered around an assumption that he would remain unmolested in the bedroom if every one was out in the other room getting breakfast.   He didn’t count on the People Puppy of the house roaming around with a camera.

No-no caught in the act!

However, he appeared to be oblivious to the meaning behind the words “plausible deniability.”

Who me?

And at first refused to go quietly:

Still, all’s well that ends well, so No-no is ready to go again as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Have a great weekend and a great Fourth of July everyone!

Nancy

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Smarter Than a Smart Key? Apparently Not!

Posted on June 30, 2011 | 4 comments

Good morning everyone!

My car has a push button start with a smart key.  As long as the key is within a certain distance of the car, I can unlock the car and start it without having to physically put a key in the ignition. 

When we bought the car, I thought that feature was superfluous, until I realized that having a push button start with a smart key meant I would never have to search through my purse for my keys again.  The smart key/push button start will work as long as the purse is close enough to the car with the key in it.  (Not having to search through your purse is not a big deal for most people, but it is for me, since my purse is Fibber McGee’s Closet in miniature and has a talent for ensuring that whatever you are looking for at that particular moment is buried in the deepest darkest part of it.) 

I managed somehow to confuse my car enough on Tuesday, though, so that it refused to start for about five minutes at lunch time.  That night, just to be sure that it was a fluke and not a problem with the car, Mark and I decided to swap cars for a few days.

Yesterday I drove his Escape to Birmingham, where I had a meeting.  When I finished my meeting, I got back into the Escape to leave and was very frustrated when the Escape failed to start as well – until I realized that I was pushing the air conditioning button repeatedly instead of inserting the Escape’s key in its ignition and turning it on. 

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

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The Rest of the Story….

Posted on June 28, 2011 | 6 comments

Hi Everyone!

Last week, when I picked Kayla up from art, her art teacher told me that she wished she could have written down half of the things Kayla said while she was teaching her because they were so funny.  I laughed and told her that now she knew why I had started a blog; the material I have available is just too good to waste. 

Two days later, as I was trying to coordinate day camp’s free swim time with my need to pick Kayla up early for the orthodontist, Kayla told me that at day camp, “The weather doesn’t stop them from doing anything.”  (There was a chance of thunderstorms in the afternoon.)  I thought that was kind of funny, so I shared it with the day camp counselors who laughed and then said, “She’s so funny all the time anyhow.”  I told Mark about both of those comments and wondered whether I have a budding comedienne, a chatterbox, a genius, or a combination of all three on my hands. 

Then came our little escapade with the hurricane glass and her elbow.  (Just when I thought I could retire the list….).  While the story itself was too good to add anything else to it, there was an aftermath.  After I got the glass off, Kayla kind of sniffled and cried through the rest of her bath.  I went in to check on her and she said, woefully and through her sniffs, “I should try out for the part of Moaning Myrtle.”  (FN)  I asked why, and she said, “Because all I do is moan, moan, moan.”  I did the only thing a rational parent could do in that situation, which is answer, “Oh!” and start to walk out of the room before I cracked a smile. 

As I was leaving, she looked up at me and said forcefully, “Yes!”  I turned around and said, “What?”  She said, “Yes, you can tell Daddy I said that.”  I told her that I was planning on it and then she said (still sniffling), “That works out then.”  At that moment any effort on my part to keep a straight face was completely lost.  I high-tailed it out of her bathroom into our bedroom laughing.  Mark asked me why, I told him about it, and then he looked at me, grinned and asked, “And you wonder why people tell you she’s funny?” 

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

FN.  For those who don’t follow the Harry Potter books or movies, Moaning Myrtle is a girl ghost who floats around sighing and moaning most of the time.

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