Tag Archives: humor

An Unconventional Solution to a Controversial Problem


Good morning Everyone!

Spurred on, no doubt, by the fact that today, April 17 in Alabama, I am huddled under a quilt with the heat on, I have discovered the way to solve the many sided problem of global warming and climate change with a minimum of fuss.

Take one representative from every side of the problem, and lock them in a room with any mother of  three children that are between the ages of 4 and 8, or, if you have particularly trenchant representatives, a mother of three boys between the ages of 11 and 15.  A solution will be reached.

Such a mother is skilled at the art of compromise (such as “If you can’t agree, I”ll settle this issue for you and none of you are going to be happy”), the art of  playing nicely (ie., “Sorry Mr. Ecology, you just can’t take your crayons and go home if the other people don’t agree with you!”) and the art of getting people to listen  and obey who originally didn’t want to (as in “Captain of Industry, sit down and shut up.  Now!”).

She might need a few extra rooms to use for time outs, and someone to help with meals and snacks, but I’m pretty sure that after about 3 days the group will reach a consensus.

Have a great day!

Nancy

 

A Highly Biased History of Writing, Part I


Good morning Everyone!

We take writing for granted – this marvelous ability we humans have developed as a way to share information with each other, even across thousands of years and millions of miles.  Today, in the year 2014, I can read the thoughts of people who lived thousands of years before me.  Have you ever wondered how it began?   I did, and thought I’d share with you my discoveries from the Ugg Clan Chronicles.

Cave man hunting

Ugg Hunting

Ugg was hunting one day.  While he was gone, Suzugg,  the third youngest Ugg child, with some indeterminate assistance from the twins, Uggo and Uggu involving a rock and a fall, hurt her leg.  Seeing that the injury was more serious than the normal bump or bruise which every Ugg child was expected to take in stride, Uggette a/k/a Mrs. Ugg, decided that a trip to the local medicine man (two valleys over, fifth cave to the right) was in order.

Medicine Man

Local Medicine Man

A trip to the local medicine man was not easy.  The local medicine man was only considered the local medicine man because the next closest one was in New Jersey, which would not be discovered for another 8000 years.

New Jersey State Bird

Mrs. Ugg was faced with the task of hauling fourteen children, one of whom would have to be carried (Mrs. Ugg nominated Uggo and Uggu as the carriers, in light of her suspicions as to their role in Suzugg’s injuries) across two ridges and two valleys.  This meant an overnight trip, which meant that Ugg was going to be back sometime before they could return.

Cave Man Family Funny

Ugg, Uggette and a few of their blessings

Uggette had to figure out a way to leave Ugg a message he could understand or else he would worry – there were an infinite number of reasons your whole family could be missing when you got home from a hard’s day hunting and only one or two of them were benign.  And an unnecessarily worried Ugg was a very angry, grumpy Ugg once he recovered from his relief that everyone was okay.

Multi-tasking as most mothers do – comforting Suzugg, keeping Uggodu and Uggodo from burning down the forest in their quest to see what was and was not flammable (we’ll discuss the history of alchemy and chemistry some other time), explaining to Uggita and Uggito that no, you could NOT eat every plant you found in the forest indiscriminately and keeping a sharp eye on Guidugg, who never missed a moment of mischief if he could help it – the harassed Uggette was hard put to find a message that would make sense.

Mischievous Cave Boy

Guidugg

Uggette finally drew a stick figure in the ground of the cave with an X over one leg and drew an arrow in the direction of the medicine man’s cave with fifteen dots underneath it, thereby inventing pictographs, numbers and art at the same time.

Uggette was right; the trip did end up being an overnight one.  They reached the medicine man about an hour before sunset.  While he took care of Suzugg, the medicine man’s sympathetic wife took care of Uggette – putting Uggette’s fourteen children with her own ten and placing the four oldest from either family in charge of the rest – and sitting Uggette down on the nearest rock for a relaxing cup of tea.

Old ethnic fabric texture

The Medicine Man’s State of the Art Woven Rug

When Ugg arrived around midnight, worried, tired and irritated, the medicine man’s wife took care of him too.   A peak at his sleeping family assured him all was well, and a quick word with the medicine man assured him that Suzugg’s ankle was only sprained, not broken (or her leg missing, as he had half feared was what was meant by the pictogram – pictograms can be somewhat lacking in terms of precision).  He gratefully sank down by Mrs. Uggette on the medicine man’s state of the art woven rug, and gave her a quick hug as he did so, pulling the cured bearskin over him.

And that was the beginning.  We’ll move further into the development of writing as recorded in the Chronicles of the Ugg Clan in later posts.

Have a great day!

Nancy

Fn.  All images come from http://www.clickartonline.com and are fully protected by copyright.

 

 

A Capable Child


Good morning Everyone!

Yesterday, I showed you what had happened to the connecting road outside our neighborhood on Monday due to the heavy rain.

Road Washout

Width and Depth View of Washout

What I didn’t mention was the havoc the heavy rain caused in the school bus pick-up schedule.  School opened at 10 on Monday due to the rain, so when the bus didn’t pick Kayla up, I didn’t think too much about it.  I just figured it got held up by standing water somewhere, although I did think it a little strange when we pulled up to the school and the bus that should have picked her up was also unloading students.

School Bus

School Bus
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

On Tuesday, however, when the bus didn’t show, I told Kayla I would call the transportation office after I finished an appointment I had in a city about an hour away.  Imagine my surprise, then, when I received a call from the Director of Transportation for the school district about an hour later (apparently out of the blue) telling me that he had thought our road was closed for access as well as the road where the culvert was and the bus would be sure to pick Kayla up on Wednesday!

Surprised

Surprised!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

If you have been around offices of any kind, you will know that the person to go to when you want something done is the secretary that has been there the longest.  That person always knows how to go about things.  Apparently my child has figured that out instinctively.

School secretary

The Person Who Gets Things Done!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

Whether she thought I would forget to call due to my absent-mindedness, or she just happened to have the opportunity to stop by the school office that morning, Kayla told the school secretary – the one that checks people in when they’re late – that the bus had not picked her up for the past two days.   The school secretary called the transportation director, who investigated and called me.

The bus was there five minutes early the next day.  Maybe I should have Kayla handle all of my scheduling issues!

Have a great day!

Nancy

Mosquitos, Cool and Passwords


Good morning Everyone!

We are going to skip around a bit today, so hold on and keep up!

Noah's Ark

Noah’s Ark
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

We went to see the movie “Noah” this weekend.  Some of us liked it (me) and some of us didn’t (Mark), some of us were confused (Kayla – we had a wonderful teaching moment about Genesis when we got home), but watching the animals proceed onto the ark made me think.  The insects and the snakes swarmed onto the ark together, and I have to wonder if it really was necessary to allow the mosquito, the cockroach or the poisonous snakes onto the boat.  I wonder if Mrs. Noah was tempted, when they approached and boarded, to just go ahead and smash the cockroaches and mosquitos out of existence?  I would have been!  I am sure that Mrs. Noah put her foot down about the snakes and made Noah and his sons take care of them.

Man chased by Mosquito

Noah Encounters a Problem Keeping Care of the Mosquitos in the Ark
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

I received the ultimate accolade a Mom can get yesterday – one of Kayla’s friends told her that I was a “cool Mom.”  When Kayla told me that, I wanted to do cartwheels in celebration!  Like most Moms, I bring a lot of self-doubt into this job of raising a little person into an adult, and it was unexpected affirmation that I am doing something right.

Cartwheel, Happy Mom

Happy Mom!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

I would like to address a word to the people in charge of websites – you have got to start taking it easy on the passwords! When we had eight characters, I could handle that; when you added a requirement for at least one capital letter, I grumbled but submitted, but now that you are requiring an extra character that is neither a letter or number, I am hopelessly out matched!  To make matters worse, you lock out my account after only three tries for the password.  And why don’t you tell me before I have to reset the password what the password format is?  With the format, I have a much better chance of figuring out what the password was originally without having to reset it

And retailers – why oh why are you making me set up an account for each of you?  I don’t always remember that I had set up an account the last time I shopped with you, and requiring me to go through the entire “reset password” segment  before I can complete an order cools my enthusiasm for the purchase down to about ice cream temperature  Please let me check out without giving you my life story.  At the rate we’re going, you’re probably just going to have to let me start opening everything automatically at the “reset password” link!

Door without handle

What Logging In to a Website Without the Password Feels Like
http://www.clickartonline.com

 

And that, dear friends, is that!

Have a great day!

Nancy

The Art of Absent-Mindedness


Good morning Everyone!

It is well-known at my household that I have a gift for being absent-minded.  My family is resigned to the fact that I will forget the dinner choice they made in the den after I walk the ten feet or less it takes to reach the kitchen and have to ask again.  Kayla, when she leaves the house to catch the bus, makes sure that she locks the front door to the house so I won’t forget. while Mark is very patient when he asks me for something from the kitchen, I leave, go in there, putter around for a while and then return to the den without his original item. Kayla knows when the two of us are riding around to do something to speak up when I am about to pass the original destination, having already forgotten what that was.

Yesterday, I reached what must be the  pinnacle of absent-mindedness for any mom –  I forgot to pick up Kayla!  She has been riding to and from school on the bus, but on Thursdays I pick her up from the house and take her to art, then pick her up from art at the end of my workday.

Yesterday, although I knew I had to pick Kayla up from art when I left the office, I had forgotten by the time I reached the driveway of our house.  I remembered Kayla just as I pulled up into the driveway, so I immediately left and returned to art to get Kayla.

I called our art teacher, Bonnie, to let her know what I had done and that I was immediately turning around to pick up Kayla.  Bonnie is always a very good sport about things and I was so amused at myself I told her what had happened  When I picked up Kaya, she was outside Bonnie’s The Cottage Gallery, waiting for me with that gleeful l look all children get when their parents manage to mess up on something.

After we got home, Mark told Kayla not to worry; he’d always send me back to get her – we would never want to do that to Ms. Bonnie!

Have a great day!

Nancy

 

 

 

The Best Diet Plan Ever!


Good morning Everyone!

Quite by accident, I have discovered the single greatest diet plan ever – even better than the 1 to 4 ratio imposed on anything that we eat around here that the dogs feel they should get a part of  (one bite me, three bites dogs!).

Clip Art Illustration of a Silhouette of a Woman Holding Her Wai

The Best Diet Plan Ever!
PhotoCredit: http://www.clickartonline.com

You need two ingredients:

1) Food in the house;

2) A 12-year-old girl.

A dill pickle

A Dill Pickle

Kayla started riding the bus to and from school a couple of weeks ago, which leaves her with a short period of time during which she is free to raid cupboards and the refrigerator to her heart’s content.  While Mark had already reconciled himself to the fact that he will never have a pickle he can eat at the house until Kayla goes to college, and I was already checking whether we needed peanut butter at least twice as often as I used to, we didn’t really expect that everything sweet in the house (except for the box of HoneySmacks I have hidden on the top shelf of the pantry behind the bread maker so Mark will have something – shhhh!) would be gone each week by Tuesday.  By Wednesday, fruit, apple sauce, peas, stew and vegetable beef soup have managed to disappear.  I suspect by Friday, we will be down to bread and water.

empty refrigerator

Looking for Something to Eat!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

The start-up costs for this diet were pretty low, since we had all the ingredients to hand, but I suspect that the long-term costs may end up being astronomical.  At least until Kayla graduates college and enters into a profession that will enable her to support Mark and I in the lifestyle to which we desire to become accustomed!

Have a great day!

Nancy

Parking Not


Front Parking

Photo Credit: Me!
Parking Lot in front of Our Building

Good morning Everyone!

To quote my husband when he and Kayla were pulling into the garage last week (gleefully repeated to me by my daughter later), “I love your mother, but she cannot park.”

He’s right; I can’t. My co-workers know it; I’ve hit at least two of their cars over the years while parking. I was over the age of 35 before I managed to parallel park, and I’m still not sure that I would have managed it if the parallel spot hadn’t been the only spot within a mile of the office in the midst of a frog-strangler. FN1.

One of my fellow attorneys has a beautiful Porsche coupe convertible; it’s now about 10 years old and still looks like it came off the show room floor. Pulling off a rare successful practical joke, I walked into his office one day and said, “Randy, I’m sorry about the Porsche.” I don’t think his heart stopped, but I’m positive his face blanched for a second before I started laughing.

Tahoe

Tahoe
Photo Credit: http://www.cars.com

The office breathed a collective sigh of relief the day we traded in our Chevrolet Tahoe for an Aveo. The Tahoe was a great vehicle, but there was just too much of it!

Another collective sigh of relief emanated from the office when Mark and I got the car I currently drive, a Hyundai Sonata with that greatest of miracles – a rear view camera! As one co-worker observed, since then I have only needed one parking space to park in instead of two.

At home, the relief was short-lived. Did you know that the rear view mirror (passenger side) can still hit the frame of the garage door even when the rest of the car has clearance?  The mirror is sturdier than it looks; it’s survived three hits so far. Mark is pretty certain it won’t survive a fourth, though. Now if I pull into the garage and Kayla is with me, I go ahead and let her out to go on in the house while I concentrate on getting the car into the garage. So far, the record is about six tries before I got it right. Backing out can take anywhere from one to four tries.

So, the other day, when I parked the car at the grocery store, and I walked up to the person in the car beside me to ask if I had left him enough room to back out, explaining that I was not good at parking, I can hardly fault Kayla for chiming in brightly, “It’s true; she’s really rotten at it!”

Have a great day!

Nancy

FN1. Frog-Strangler – a downpour; a gully washer

Labor Relations


Good morning Everyone!

I have a friend who works for an employment agency, and I mentioned to Mark that in the last two months, my friend has come across more jobs requiring experience in labor relations than ever before. Kayla was listening and suddenly became very still. Then she said, “That’s weird! Why would someone have to prove they can deliver a baby before they can get hired?”

Top of the morning to you Irish men and Irish women out there (of which I am one!) and have a great day!

Nancy

The Warranty, Please


Good morning Everyone!

Since all three of us need them, glasses are important objects in this house and a trip to purchase them a major event.

Our favorite place to purchase glasses is LensCrafters in Montgomery.  It has an independent optometrist’s office on the premises, owned by Dr. Goodman, who has seen to Mark’s and my eye care for more years than I care to count and who added Kayla to his list of patients about three years ago.  Mark and I once went to another company  and optometrist to get our glasses, but we weren’t happy with the results – neither one of us felt like our eyeglasses were working the way they should that time – so the next visit saw us back at LensCrafters.

Tyra never chewed glasses

Photo Credit: Me!
Tyra never chewed glasses in her life; I just felt that she deserved to have her picture in the blog post.

One of the reasons we like LensCrafters is their extended warranty.  The warranty provides coverage for everything that can happen to a pair of glasses except for being lost with only a $25 deductible.  (Even those of us whose mental math abilities are hampered can recognize that $25 is much less then the cost of even one lens.)  And in our family, if it can happen to a pair of glasses, it probably will.

Kayla's first set of glasses before the dogs ate them

Photo Credit: Me!
Kayla’s first set of glasses last year.

Kayla’s glasses lasted under a week before they needed to be replaced – she left them on the coffee table one day rather than wearing them.  (To be fair, she left them in the same spot Mark leaves his when he is not wearing them; the only difference is that he never leaves his unattended.)  When we got home that day, we found that Mandy or Darwin or both had thoughtfully tried to redesign the frames and the lens by chewing them.

Mandy and Darwin rest from their labors

Photo Credit: Me!
Darwin and Mandy rest from their labors.

This had happened to her first ever pair of glasses, too.  One trip to Montgomery, $25 and four hours later, she was back up and running.

Glasses Second Pair 2013

Photo Credit: Me!
Kayla’s Second Pair of Glasses

My glasses lasted through the middle of February until they slipped off my night table at night and hit the floor, lens down.  When I picked them back up again, the floor had scored (pun intended) a fantastic scratch on the right lens.  We went Saturday to get the replacement lens ordered (my prescription needs to be ordered and then shipped; most prescriptions can be made in the store’s own lab), tendered our $25, and in 8 to 10 day business days, my glasses will be blemish free yet again.

Glass scratch for blog

My Scratched Lens

So when next you decide to get glasses, let me humbly suggest that purchasing THIS  extended warranty, unlike so many others, is well worth your money if you have 1) children, 2) dogs or 3) a mysterious wooden floor that shouldn’t scratch glass but did!

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

P.S.  I was NOT paid or requested to do this post by anyone.

Help for Newcomers to the Deep South


Hello Everyone!

If you are going to move into the Deep South from anywhere else, here are some tips:

1)  Yes, we are as friendly as we appear.

2)  A southern accent does not equal a low IQ.  It’s not our fault that national news media like to show our most ignorant on TV.

3)  “Y’all” means you and those immediately surrounding you, as in “It’s great to see y’all!”   “All y’all” means you and your household, regardless of whether they are there at the moment, as in “All y’all need to come over to our house sometime for supper.”

4)  Do not make fun of us when we are shivering in sweaters at 50 degrees.  You will need us when it is 98 degrees with 100% humidity.

5)  Do not immediately begin to tell us how much better things are done wherever you came from.  You are the person who chose to come here.

6)  Do not be offended when someone asks you to church.  You can say no, after all.  We are the Bible Belt and to not ask you to church is downright unneighborly.

7)  If you move here during the gloomy, rainy Dark Days in late December, January and February, take heart!  By the end of March, the Southern Spring Show will leave you breathless.

8)  College football is a second religion down here.  Live it, learn it, embrace it, enjoy it.

9)  If you are running low on self-esteem, go to Wal-Mart on a crowded Saturday.  You will feel better.

10)  Remember that your accent sounds as funny to us as ours sounds to you.

Have a great day!

Nancy