The Best Diet Plan Ever!


Good morning Everyone!

Quite by accident, I have discovered the single greatest diet plan ever – even better than the 1 to 4 ratio imposed on anything that we eat around here that the dogs feel they should get a part of  (one bite me, three bites dogs!).

Clip Art Illustration of a Silhouette of a Woman Holding Her Wai

The Best Diet Plan Ever!
PhotoCredit: http://www.clickartonline.com

You need two ingredients:

1) Food in the house;

2) A 12-year-old girl.

A dill pickle

A Dill Pickle

Kayla started riding the bus to and from school a couple of weeks ago, which leaves her with a short period of time during which she is free to raid cupboards and the refrigerator to her heart’s content.  While Mark had already reconciled himself to the fact that he will never have a pickle he can eat at the house until Kayla goes to college, and I was already checking whether we needed peanut butter at least twice as often as I used to, we didn’t really expect that everything sweet in the house (except for the box of HoneySmacks I have hidden on the top shelf of the pantry behind the bread maker so Mark will have something – shhhh!) would be gone each week by Tuesday.  By Wednesday, fruit, apple sauce, peas, stew and vegetable beef soup have managed to disappear.  I suspect by Friday, we will be down to bread and water.

empty refrigerator

Looking for Something to Eat!
Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com

The start-up costs for this diet were pretty low, since we had all the ingredients to hand, but I suspect that the long-term costs may end up being astronomical.  At least until Kayla graduates college and enters into a profession that will enable her to support Mark and I in the lifestyle to which we desire to become accustomed!

Have a great day!

Nancy

Parking Not


Front Parking

Photo Credit: Me!
Parking Lot in front of Our Building

Good morning Everyone!

To quote my husband when he and Kayla were pulling into the garage last week (gleefully repeated to me by my daughter later), “I love your mother, but she cannot park.”

He’s right; I can’t. My co-workers know it; I’ve hit at least two of their cars over the years while parking. I was over the age of 35 before I managed to parallel park, and I’m still not sure that I would have managed it if the parallel spot hadn’t been the only spot within a mile of the office in the midst of a frog-strangler. FN1.

One of my fellow attorneys has a beautiful Porsche coupe convertible; it’s now about 10 years old and still looks like it came off the show room floor. Pulling off a rare successful practical joke, I walked into his office one day and said, “Randy, I’m sorry about the Porsche.” I don’t think his heart stopped, but I’m positive his face blanched for a second before I started laughing.

Tahoe

Tahoe
Photo Credit: http://www.cars.com

The office breathed a collective sigh of relief the day we traded in our Chevrolet Tahoe for an Aveo. The Tahoe was a great vehicle, but there was just too much of it!

Another collective sigh of relief emanated from the office when Mark and I got the car I currently drive, a Hyundai Sonata with that greatest of miracles – a rear view camera! As one co-worker observed, since then I have only needed one parking space to park in instead of two.

At home, the relief was short-lived. Did you know that the rear view mirror (passenger side) can still hit the frame of the garage door even when the rest of the car has clearance?  The mirror is sturdier than it looks; it’s survived three hits so far. Mark is pretty certain it won’t survive a fourth, though. Now if I pull into the garage and Kayla is with me, I go ahead and let her out to go on in the house while I concentrate on getting the car into the garage. So far, the record is about six tries before I got it right. Backing out can take anywhere from one to four tries.

So, the other day, when I parked the car at the grocery store, and I walked up to the person in the car beside me to ask if I had left him enough room to back out, explaining that I was not good at parking, I can hardly fault Kayla for chiming in brightly, “It’s true; she’s really rotten at it!”

Have a great day!

Nancy

FN1. Frog-Strangler – a downpour; a gully washer

Labor Relations


Good morning Everyone!

I have a friend who works for an employment agency, and I mentioned to Mark that in the last two months, my friend has come across more jobs requiring experience in labor relations than ever before. Kayla was listening and suddenly became very still. Then she said, “That’s weird! Why would someone have to prove they can deliver a baby before they can get hired?”

Top of the morning to you Irish men and Irish women out there (of which I am one!) and have a great day!

Nancy

Da Dogs


Good morning Everyone!

It’s been a while since I devoted a post exclusively to our three dogs, so today’s the day.

Regular readers to this blog will recall that we have three beautiful and unique dogs as pets:  Tyra, who is now 14, Mandy, who is 8 – 9 in August – (which is very hard to believe!) and Darwin, who is 5 (that’s another one that’s hard to understand.)  All three of them are pound puppies; we are forever grateful to the Montgomery Humane Society for Tyra and Mandy and to the Lake Martin Humane Shelter for Darwin.

Tyra is completely blind; we have suspicions that she might be losing some hearing also.  (To get her to hear where you are going/want her to go, you have to stomp like a dinosaur tap dancing – that is known as a clue!)  She is the sweetest dog we have ever had, although she has become a bit demanding when it comes to her nightly snuggle time with Mark.  She has always viewed herself as Mark’s dog, although she loves the rest of us too.  We suspect she is an Australian Shepherd mix.

Australian Shepherd Mix

Tyra

Mandy is a free and independent basset hound/husky mix with excellent self-esteem.  She loves all of us, and she is particularly my dog (when we first got her, Woof was still alive.  Woof was my kitchen dog, as I called her – she wouldn’t leave me to myself no matter how bad she wanted to be in a room with everyone else.  She trained Mandy for the same position.)  She is the only dog we’ve ever had whose response to being scolded and told “bad dog” is to stare at you thoughtfully, let you know that she feels your point of view is interesting but not particularly upsetting, and then walk away to plot how to continue whatever it was she was trying to do in the first place.  While she is absolutely unique, I have been surprised at how many people are interested in or have basset hound/husky mixes.  Over 400 of them have looked at my post about Mandy as a basset hound/husky  mix, and I’ve had a good 8 to 10 people at least send me messages about the buskeys (a good handy nickname) that they own.

Basset Hound, Husky Mix

Mandy

Darwin is the biggest dog we have ever owned.  He is either a black german short-haired pointer, in which case he is not recognized as a short-haired pointer in America although he is in Europe, or a Lab/Great Dane mix.  He is incredibly eager to please his people and surprisingly affectionate for a male dog.  He’s not entirely sold on the idea of being Kayla’s dog (he has an application in for the position of Mark’s dog which is never going to be granted while Tyra is alive), but is beginning to reconcile himself to that position now that we allow him to go to bed with her at night, which means he ends up sleeping on her bed with her during the night, a much better deal than he’d get in our room.

Lab/Great Dane Mix

Darwin

The three dogs care about each other, and their interactions are fun to watch.  Darwin and Mandy play together a lot, which has kept Mandy young.  They like to chase each other around the yard, and while you’d think the larger Darwin would have the advantage, he doesn’t – Mandy is the fastest dog I have ever seen, and can hold her own against him.  Darwin wants to play with Tyra, but she can’t see him “play bow” to know that he is just playing, so things can get a little tense.  I did get to see the two of them figure out how to play one day, and it was ingenious – neither one moved their legs, while they kept moving their heads around playing “tag” with their heads – apparently you somehow scored a point if you touched the other dog with your head.  Tyra doesn’t believe that play is play unless barking is included, so the din was pretty astonishing.

Australian Shepherd Mix Camping

Tyra Camping

Husky Basset Hound mix camping

Mandy Camping

Lab/Great Dane Mix Camping

Darwin Camping

The three dogs like to camping with us in our (gracefully aged) motor home, but they each have different attitudes about it.  Boo is happy to be with us, but her level of happiness is the same as if she was going for a ride in the car or with us for a walk.  Tyra has always loved camping, and the motor home is no exception.  She likes to come to the front while we’re driving, flip up the arm rest on the driver and passenger seats and get her ears rubbed.  Continually.  For the entire duration of the trip, whether it is a five-minute drive to the nearby state park or a six to eight hour drive to the Smoky Mountains.   Darwin is ecstatic to be camping, and shows it with all his might.  Mandy and Darwin both like to sit on the dashboard of the motor home while we are gone and just watch the world go by until we come home.  I have been astonished at how little they bark at anything outside, including other dogs, when they do that.

Two dogs

Boo and Darwin Together Camping

Two Dogs in Motor Home

Tyra and Mandy Together

So there are our three canine family members.  Each well-loved and loving well in return, each unique and each one indispensable to who we are as a family.

Two Dogs on Bed

Tyra and Mandy Share a Bed

I hope your pets are every bit as interesting!  Tell me about them in the comments section if you have time.  I’d love to hear from you!

Have a great day and weekend everyone!

Nancy

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of


Good morning Everyone!

Have you ever wondered where dreams come from?  Im not talking about the “Be President/Travel the US in a RV for One Year” type of dreams, but the crazy jumble of facts and fiction that parade through our heads every night.

My husband and daughter rarely remember their dreams – although there have been one or two Saturday mornings when Kayla asked for just a few more minutes of sleep to “finish off her dream.”  What dreams my husband remembers, he controls.  He has the capability to tell his subconscious, while he’s still asleep, how he wants the dream to end.  My subconscious, however, wanders footloose and fancy-free, taking me wherever it wants to.  Maybe in part it’s rebelling against the control I place on it during the day.

I have one or two recurring dreams.  I groan every time that I have to dial a number two or three times in “real life” before it goes through, because that means that the “I need to make a phone call but I can’t ever get the phone to put in the number correctly” dream is sure to pop up in the next week.

After over 20 years, I finally figured out that the “I forgot to attend a class for an entire semester and now the exam is tomorrow” dream occurs when I am under an intense deadline.  Usually the dream includes the certainty that I have made an F in at least two subjects that semester and I am trying, in my sleep, to figure out what that does to my grade point average, can I somehow get around the F’s or will they matter and why on earth I didn’t drop the class before the drop/add deadline passed.

Most of the time, my weird dreams are simply curious to me, even the recurring ones, but I still can remember the dream I had 28 years ago when someone broke into the house and was about to kill me.  A man was pointing a rifle right in front of my face while I was lying in bed.  I woke up with a start as I heard the gun click as he pulled the trigger.  I have one truly beautiful dream I dreamed back when I was about 15 that I also remember, for a couple of reasons.  The first is that it was in color, one of the rare dreams I remember being in color.  The second is that it was set in a radiant meadow where an absolute stunning mare and her foal were grazing.  I don’t remember what happened in that dream, but the scene has stayed with me for more years than I care to count.

Horses

Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com
My horses and meadow were even prettier than these!

Scientists have been studying dreams for a while and are still speculating as to their biological function.  What they do know is that the crazy night-time peccadilloes that our subconscious engages in are essential to our health.

Indian Dream Catcher

Photo Credit: http://www.clickartonline.com
Indian Dream Catcher

Do you have any crazy or recurring dreams?  Can you remember your dreams?  Have you every kept a dream log?  I’d love to hear what you have to say on the subject!

Have a great day!

Nancy

The Warranty, Please


Good morning Everyone!

Since all three of us need them, glasses are important objects in this house and a trip to purchase them a major event.

Our favorite place to purchase glasses is LensCrafters in Montgomery.  It has an independent optometrist’s office on the premises, owned by Dr. Goodman, who has seen to Mark’s and my eye care for more years than I care to count and who added Kayla to his list of patients about three years ago.  Mark and I once went to another company  and optometrist to get our glasses, but we weren’t happy with the results – neither one of us felt like our eyeglasses were working the way they should that time – so the next visit saw us back at LensCrafters.

Tyra never chewed glasses

Photo Credit: Me!
Tyra never chewed glasses in her life; I just felt that she deserved to have her picture in the blog post.

One of the reasons we like LensCrafters is their extended warranty.  The warranty provides coverage for everything that can happen to a pair of glasses except for being lost with only a $25 deductible.  (Even those of us whose mental math abilities are hampered can recognize that $25 is much less then the cost of even one lens.)  And in our family, if it can happen to a pair of glasses, it probably will.

Kayla's first set of glasses before the dogs ate them

Photo Credit: Me!
Kayla’s first set of glasses last year.

Kayla’s glasses lasted under a week before they needed to be replaced – she left them on the coffee table one day rather than wearing them.  (To be fair, she left them in the same spot Mark leaves his when he is not wearing them; the only difference is that he never leaves his unattended.)  When we got home that day, we found that Mandy or Darwin or both had thoughtfully tried to redesign the frames and the lens by chewing them.

Mandy and Darwin rest from their labors

Photo Credit: Me!
Darwin and Mandy rest from their labors.

This had happened to her first ever pair of glasses, too.  One trip to Montgomery, $25 and four hours later, she was back up and running.

Glasses Second Pair 2013

Photo Credit: Me!
Kayla’s Second Pair of Glasses

My glasses lasted through the middle of February until they slipped off my night table at night and hit the floor, lens down.  When I picked them back up again, the floor had scored (pun intended) a fantastic scratch on the right lens.  We went Saturday to get the replacement lens ordered (my prescription needs to be ordered and then shipped; most prescriptions can be made in the store’s own lab), tendered our $25, and in 8 to 10 day business days, my glasses will be blemish free yet again.

Glass scratch for blog

My Scratched Lens

So when next you decide to get glasses, let me humbly suggest that purchasing THIS  extended warranty, unlike so many others, is well worth your money if you have 1) children, 2) dogs or 3) a mysterious wooden floor that shouldn’t scratch glass but did!

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

P.S.  I was NOT paid or requested to do this post by anyone.

Help for Newcomers to the Deep South


Hello Everyone!

If you are going to move into the Deep South from anywhere else, here are some tips:

1)  Yes, we are as friendly as we appear.

2)  A southern accent does not equal a low IQ.  It’s not our fault that national news media like to show our most ignorant on TV.

3)  “Y’all” means you and those immediately surrounding you, as in “It’s great to see y’all!”   “All y’all” means you and your household, regardless of whether they are there at the moment, as in “All y’all need to come over to our house sometime for supper.”

4)  Do not make fun of us when we are shivering in sweaters at 50 degrees.  You will need us when it is 98 degrees with 100% humidity.

5)  Do not immediately begin to tell us how much better things are done wherever you came from.  You are the person who chose to come here.

6)  Do not be offended when someone asks you to church.  You can say no, after all.  We are the Bible Belt and to not ask you to church is downright unneighborly.

7)  If you move here during the gloomy, rainy Dark Days in late December, January and February, take heart!  By the end of March, the Southern Spring Show will leave you breathless.

8)  College football is a second religion down here.  Live it, learn it, embrace it, enjoy it.

9)  If you are running low on self-esteem, go to Wal-Mart on a crowded Saturday.  You will feel better.

10)  Remember that your accent sounds as funny to us as ours sounds to you.

Have a great day!

Nancy

Talented Phones


Good morning Everyone!

old telephone

Photo Credit: Purchased from http://www.clipartonline.com

Some of you probably remember using phones where the receiver was attached to the main phone with a wire that kept you close to the phone when you were using it.  In order to figure out the range of the cord, you needed to look at the length described on the package and then mentally decrease it by 1/3 to compensate for the way even the best  phone cords tangled.

tangled telephone cord

Photo Credit: Purchased from http://www.clickartonline.com

To those of us who were slaves to the cord, the cordless phone was revolutionary! You could talk to your friends and family on a cordless phone and still move around the house!  It was astonishing.  The cordless phone allowed us to talk on the phone and still cook, dust, fold clothes, iron and let the dogs in and out of the house.  It rocked!

Today's Cell Phone

Photo Credit: Me!

At our house, we always like to have the latest, greatest electronics (well, some of us do – for myself, I’m drawing the line at Blu-ray DVDs) so, of course, we have cordless phones. Our favorite type for the last two decades or so has been the AT&T Dect 6.0. It does everything you would expect a household cordless phone to do in the modern era – it has three handsets expandable to 12 (not that we’ll ever have or need a house that big!), takes messages, has an intercom feature and lets us have caller id and call waiting when we are willing to get off our wallets with the phone company and pay for them. They also have one other, non-advertised, talent – they are extremely gifted at camouflage. In fact, if the Russians ever invade the great state of Alabama, my three cordless handsets will be the last thing they will be able to find!

We have three people in the house, so you would think keeping track of a cordless phone would be easy – one phone, one person – but it’s not.  Take for example, this seemingly innocent couch top.

couch top

Photo Credit: Me!

Yet, upon closer inspection (usually accompanied by a fair bit of mental censorship as we hunt for the phone while its ringing), you find the following:

Cordless Phone Handset in Couch

Photo Credit: Me!

I believe that certain of the handsets have their favorite hiding spots.  I thought this one was particularly clever the other day.

For the casual observer:

cordless phone and iPad

Photo Credit: Me!

For the accomplished phone set hunter:

cordless phone and iPad

Photo Credit: Me!

Sometimes I think the poor things just get cold, and need to warm up. When that happens, their favorite room is my daughter’s room. For example, take a look at my daughter’s sheets from the other morning:

Cell Phone

Photo Credit: Me!

A careful search (by me, not her) revealed the following:

Cell Phone

Photo Credit: Me!

Sometimes all three handsets have decided to hide in her room!

I also think the handsets are capable of developing their chameleon-like abilities. Handset 2 had been missing for about five days, and we thought we had searched everywhere, including in this box right beside the phone.

Cordless Phone in Snack Box

Photo Credit: Me!

Today, however, I happened to drop something on the floor, and reaching down to pick it up, noticed the following:

Cordless Phone in Chip Box

Photo Credit: Me!

I can’t wait to see what they come up with next! [I think!]

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

Sometimes You Can’t Help Laughing….


Good morning!

We had to go to a funeral this week. Kayla has been to funerals before, but with the exception of the funerals for my grandparents, she had not been to a graveside service. I truly love my little girl’s sweet spirit – she informed me that she HAD to go to the funeral to show her support to the family members involved.

At 12, she amazes me by how alert and observant she is. After the funeral, as we were driving out of the cemetery, she looked over and saw a plot with three headstones. In the center was the name “Ferguson”; on the right, a stone with the name “Head” and on the left, a stone named “Gardner.” When she saw those, she was quiet, thinking for a minute, and then she said, “Those Ferguson people are showing off!” When we asked her why, she told us, “Not only did they bury themselves there, but they buried the head of their mansion and their gardener with them!”

Sometimes you just can’t help laughing!

Nancy
P.S. Ferguson was not, of course, the real name on the center stone; I changed it to avoid unwittingly distressing someone else.

Adages that Aren’t plus Other News


Adage –  a proverb or short statement expressing a general truth

1)       Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.  – Not really; it just makes me sleepy.

together

From ClickArt Online, by Broderbund

2) Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. –  If we didn’t, how on earth could we ever buy a dozen eggs at the grocery store?

ConneryKilt

3) Handsome is as handsome does. – Nope.  By any standard of conduct, Pierce Brosnan, George Clooney and Sean Connery are handsome.

geese and gosling AJKoops

4) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  – Not if you’re a birder seeking to win the big year, or participating in the World Series of Birding in New Jersey!

wkw011.jpg

5)  Out of sight, out of mind.  – Obviously, whoever made this one up never had a pressing problem to worry about.

Confusion

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

6)  There is no such thing as a stupid question. – Well, yes, yes there is.

United States coinage penny

7) A penny saved is a penny earned – unless you owe back taxes, then it is a penny paid to the government.

Prisoner Costume

8) Practice makes perfect. – No, imperfect practice perfects imperfection

Sticks and Stones:  From Clip-Art Online

Sticks and Stones: From Clip-Art Online

9)  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  – Really?  Wounds from sticks and stones heal relatively quickly but word wounds will sting for generations!

USDA Food Pyramid

10)  An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  Not according to the USDA food pyramid or plate or whatever it is they are using these days.

Newspaper, news, magnifying glass

Breaking News!

And in other news –

(Dedicated to the Jefferson Davis High School “get-by” class of 1986, working its way through to a new generation!)

The following conversation repeated verbatim from yesterday.

Mom, in response to an e-mail from a teacher:  Kayla, what is this about you not having your study sheet in social studies today?

Kayla:  Mom, she told us to take it home last night.

Mom:  So?

Kayla:  She didn’t tell us to take it back.

Mom:  Kayla, it’s implied!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Nancy