Tag Archives: humor

The Olympic Learning Experience


Good morning Everyone!

Olympics, Olympic Torch

Olympic Torch, from Print Shop Professional 2.0

For those of you who perhaps have been spelunking or exploring untamed wilderness with no internet, TV or radio access, the 2012 Summer Olympics are being held in London right now.  Every night at seven, millions of Americans are tuning in to their local NBC channel to watch a “greatest hits” version of the Olympics, while as many as can possibly do so are also watching the events live during the day.

TV Remote

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

My family is no exception.  At 7 on weeknights, Kayla and I invariably ask Mark (as the male in the family, he apparently acquires by divine right sole access to the TV remote – well, divine right and the fact that the *&*&$*^#$#@&%$%&* thing refuses to work correctly for me or Kayla) to switch the television over to NBC, and the three of us watch whatever events might be on.

Swan dive, Diving

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

We turned on the other night to discover an event we weren’t even aware existed – synchronized (or, as the British would write, synchronised) diving.   FN1.   This was an event the three of us never dreamed existed.  Basically, instead of just one diver performing extraordinarily difficult and athletic dives, two divers are required to perform the same extraordinarily difficult and athletic dives as nearly as possible at the same time, with points given or deducted on top of the normal diving points for how temporally coordinated the performances are.  I have to wonder at what post-Summer Olympic meeting the diving committee came up with that idea.  I can just hear them now, at the after-dinner aperitif stage:

Hey guys, since the divers are beginning to get so good at the dives we thought were impossible to do, how ’bout we up the difficulty factor by making two of them dive at the same time!  That’ll show them!

Bicycle

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

Other Olympic events just seem vaguely incomprehensible to us.  For example, cycling.  I understand the concept of a bicycle race – you throw anywhere from 2 to 100 bicycles together at one place, called a starting line, and require them to travel to a second place, called a finish line, and the one that gets there first, wins.  But we saw an event one evening that I am still trying to figure out (not too hard, or I would have googled it by now) – teams of three bicyclists each on bikes without spokes in their wheels travel around an indoor track together.  I’m not sure how the winner was determined or what rules applied, except for the rule that each team of three bicyclists had to follow each other in a straight line.   FN2.

I pulled a list of the sports that are included in the summer Olympics.  Many of the Olympic events are fairly familiar to me, such as swimming, diving, racing and gymnastics, but others are not, although nothing in the summer Olympics is as foreign to me as the winter Olympic event of curling.  For example, rhythmic gymnastics, which appears to require the gymnasts to do routines with swirly ribbon things besides them, appears a bit odd at first blush, and who would have thought that “trampoline” was an Olympic sport, while neither baseball nor golf is?  (Actually, I believe baseball used to be an Olympic sport, but I am not sure about it.)  Badminton and ping-pong – excuse me, I mean table tennis – are fun to play, but I am not exactly sure how they rose to Olympic status.  I would love to see more of the Olympic events involving shooting, archery and fencing on TV, but at least so far I have managed to miss them.

TV Announcer

TV Announcer, from Print Shop Professional 2.0

Whether the sport is familiar, ie., soccer, or foreign, ie. rhythmic gymnastics, to me, one of the best things about watching them on TV is the commentary given by the announcers.  Somehow, NBC has managed to acquire individuals who are familiar with the sports they are showing, and the commentators help explain both the sport and how the contestants are judged.  That way, even if the sport is something completely new to me, I manage to learn a little bit while I am watching.

So kudos to the announcers, and to NBC who has managed to find commentators that can explain the events and scoring in sports like synchroniz[s]ed diving and rhythmic gymnastics, and here’s to another few days of the Olympics Learning Experience!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll try to find a televis[z?]ed trampoline medal event….

Have a great day!

Nancy

FN1.  One key spelling difference between British English and American English is the use of “ise” and various forms thereof (British) versus “ize” and various forms thereof (American) in certain words such as “synchronis[z]e.”  With the wonderful consistency that characterizes the English language, we Americans have graciously refused to “ize” some words, such as “televised” and “supervise.”   Either that, or someone just made a typo that stuck, since “s” and “z” are suspiciously close to each other on the keyboard!

FN2.  Regardless of how unfamiliar I am with a sport, I want to emphasize (or is it emphasise?) how much I respect the athletes who compete in ANY Olympic event – the training and prowess and effort each athlete brings to the games honors their country regardless of the final medal count.

Random Thoughts, III


Good morning Everyone!

Sock

1) No matter what you do, your dog will never chew your least favorite pair of socks.

Dryers

2) The dryer won’t eat one, either.

line

3) So you think you see the end of the line at Disneyworld?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

rain, umbrella

4) Best ways to make it rain:

a) Pay to get your car washed;

b) Plan an outdoor workday for yard work and painting;

c) Plan an extravagant outdoor event with no alternative indoor venue.

5) Children and dogs have a built-in parent romance interference sensor.

6) I find it hard to believe that Publisher’s Clearing House is really going to give away all of that money to someone who didn’t buy something from them.

7) Light bulbs always blow in threes.

8) Robotic vacuums rock!

9) Why is it that a person will wait patiently at a drive-thru for 10  minutes for someone else to get their food through the window, but honk at the car in front of them if it fails to move within 10 seconds of the line moving forward?

10) Your dog is programmed to wake you up at least 30 minutes before you are ready and then will sleep for hours after he or she has been fed and walked and you are up for good.

11) Should you worry if someone less mechanically inclined than yourself in your family calls to ask you where the hammer and screwdriver are?

12) If a child tells you he or she is doing nothing, be afraid.  Be very afraid.

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

How Not To Sew In 10 Easy Steps


Good morning Everyone!

I made a trip to the fabric store yesterday.  The only place I like to shop at more than the fabric store is the craft store, which is why I try to limit my visits to both.

Sew

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

I would love to tell you how to sew, but I find I am better at explaining how NOT to sew.  Following any one, or all, of these 10 steps will ensure that, sooner or later, you will have attempted and failed to make an item of clothing that you can wear. Lest you be afraid that I am not speaking with authority, let me hasten to assure you that I have committed each one of these mistakes at one time or another in my 32 year career as an intermittent seamstress hobbyist.

Pattern Maker, sewing

Not This Kind of Pattern Maker!

1)  Fail to remember the name of the pattern maker. 

This one works especially well if you purchased fabric some time ago, picked out a pattern and now find that you need a different sized pattern.  Kind of like automobiles in America used to have the Big Three, in sewing, there are what I think of as “The Big Four” – Simplicity, McCall’s, Butterick and Vogue.   Here is an example to help you visualize how properly to perform this step.  I have two different kinds of seersucker fabric that I would like to use to make a short/top outfit.  When I bought the fabric a couple of years ago, I selected pattern 4097 to go with it.  Yesterday, I noticed that it now appears that I need a different size pattern 4097.  I spent several minutes at the pattern store confirming that Simplicity 4097 no longer is available, only to discover when I got home that it was McCall’s 4097 that I needed, thereby delaying the construction of the garments further.

Confusion

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

2)  Do not pay close attention to what you are doing while shopping. 

Upon entering the fabric store of your choice, enter the same kind of trance that I enter in a craft store, where I come out of Nirvana with little memory of the past hour, and suddenly realize that in that time I have purchased a latchhook kit, a “how to knit” book for the 30th time and a picture frame that I have no picture for.  (I don’t do latchhook, can’t seem to learn how to knit – it’s making the second row that seems to defeat me – and normally only buy picture frames that fit pictures that I want to hang.)  Doing this in a fabric store greatly aids you in completing steps 3-6 along with ensuring that you walk out of the store with $100 worth of a smashing burgundy swirled taffeta fabric for which you have no use.

Pins, sewing

3)   Assume that pattern sizes are the same as ready to wear sizes.

This step will ensure that your clothing will not fit.  The sizes aren’t even close.   A pattern size that fits is usually at least four sizes higher than the size you would buy at a department store.  Pattern makers never bought into vanity sizing.

Scissors, Pin Cushion. Buttons, thread, tape measure

4)  Don’t bring your measurements with you.

Hey, I’m with you on this step.  I know it is much more comfortable just guessing at how many inches wide your bust, waistline and hip is.  Doing so has the added benefit of ensuring that you buy a pattern that is not going to fit you when it’s done.  You really get triple bonus points for this manner of not sewing, because you not only end up with something you can’t use, you also get to put in all the time and effort into sewing the garment before you realize it.  In the unlikely event that you want a garment you can wear when it’s finished, bring your (updated, true) measurements to the fabric store for pattern selection, even if you have to store them in an underground dungeon guarded by a dragon and two trolls to conceal them from the rest of the world the rest of the time.

Confusion

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

5) Believe Vogue patterns when they say a pattern is easy. 

Vogue labels its patterns in terms of difficulty.  The other three of the big four do so with at least some of their patterns.  However, unlike the other three, Vogue’s idea of easy is very different from a beginner’s idea of easy.  I have begun to think that perhaps by “easy” they mean “easy for an accomplished career seamstress.”  Or maybe it just means “easy for anyone else except you, Nancy.”  For those few people who actually want to end up with a garment they can wear, you are pretty safe with Vogue’s “pretty easy” or lower ratings.

My Seersucker Short Stash – Try saying that three times fast!

6) Buy the fabric amount listed for a smaller size. 

I am a pro at doing this.  The back of a pattern contains a wealth of information, and does it in two different languages.  This means that the chart listing the needed amounts of fabric is very crowded and it is easy to select the wrong fabric size for the garment.  In addition, this step has the added benefit of being unfixable, since the fabric normally has sold out between the time you bought it and the time you discover the mistake.  For those few wishing to avoid such a mistake, the pen is your friend – circle the correct size and fabric amount on the garment before you start looking for fabric.

My Sunday Go To Meeting Scissors, with a case to ensure that no one but me uses them!

7) Use the wrong layout for the pattern size you need, and cut out part of it before you notice your mistake. 

Sewing patterns show you how to lay the various pattern pieces out before cutting.  However, to minimize the amount of fabric needed, a pattern will normally present several different layouts.  It also matters whether you have purchased a fabric 44 – 45″ wide or 58-60″ wide.  The best way for this mistake to occur is to use the 58-60″ layout for a 44-45″ wide fabric, and do it for an incorrect size.  44-45″ fabric is never big enough to complete a 58-60″ layout.  For those few who might care to avoid this mistake, remember your mantra – the pen is your friend.  Circle the correct layout(s) before you begin to place and cut out pattern pieces.

Brother Sewing Machine

My Sewing Machine

8) Use someone else’s sewing machine. 

Sewing machines have a life and a mind of their own.  They adopt one primary owner and throw the rest of us under the bus.  It was at least 15 years before my mother’s machine reconciled itself to the fact that her children would be using it also.  Until then, each of us faced a myriad of tangled threads, knots and machine malfunctions while our mother never faced one.  Mom recently gave it to my sister, who had to remind it at one point that it was not going to get to go back home to Mom, so it might as well reconcile itself to her.  I’m not sure it has done so.

My Gingher Scissors Are Perfect for Step 9.

9) Trim seams recklessly and with abandon. 

Picture the Swedish Chef meets  “Sewing with Nancy.”

Black lab, crazy Dog

With Darwin around, we don’t need to borrow a lab puppy.

10) Leave the garment lying around carelessly. 

If, in spite of your best efforts, you end up with a garment that you can wear, there is one last-ditch effort you can try to be sure that you are “not” sewing.  It does require an extra ingredient – at least one animal that likes to chew.  If you don’t have one, borrow a friend’s Labrador puppy, age 1 or older.  Leave the garment somewhere where the animal can easily reach it, and go away.  The outfit will be destroyed in about 10 minutes, tops.

Sew, Sewing Tools

From Print Shop Professional 2.0

And so there you have it, ladies and gentlemen – How Not to Sew in 10 Easy Steps.

Have a great weekend!

Nancy

Presidential Graduates of the Electoral College


Good morning Everyone!

(Any mistakes in the following post are to be prefaced by the following mantra:  “Mr. Moon taught me but I forgot.”)

Today we return to the travel diaries of the famous world traveler, Hester Ugg of Bowling Green, Kentucky.  After her stop in ?istan, where we last saw her visiting with her friends, Ahmed and Vladimir, (See, 51 Governments and Then Some), she traveled to Turkey, Greece , Cyprus and Crete, then returned back to ?istan to visit with her friends once more before returning to Kentucky for college football season.  (Many travel plans and family events in the South are scheduled around football season.)

As they sat down for tea (a habit Hester picked up from her travels through the former territories of the British empire), Vladimir and Ahmed greeted her warmly.  Then the conversation turned to current events.

Ahmed, wisely:  I see where the election in the United States has started.

Hester, recalling a “Ron Paul for 2016” banner she saw at a rally two months ago:  Sometimes I don’t think the election ever stops!

Vladimir:  I thought your elections were once every four years?

Hester:  Oh Vladimir, it’s really too hot today to discuss politics, if you don’t mind. 

Vladimir:  I understand, dear lady.  I will instead congratulate your country on having such well-educated presidents.

Hester, confused:  I beg your pardon?

Vladimir, graciously:  I understand from some of my readings that each of your presidents must graduate from a college before they can be president.

Hester:  Well, our presidents, especially modern ones, do generally tend to have college degrees, but the last time I checked, they definitely don’t have to have one.

Vladimir, proud that he knows something about the United States that Hester doesn’t:  Ah-ha!  If that is so, then why does each president have to graduate from an electoral college before they become president?

Hester, mentally cursing the Russian language’s omission of definite articles such as “the”:  They don’t.  They have to be elected by the Electoral College before they become president. 

Ahmed:  I thought the United States was a democracy?

Hester, resigned to yet another grammatical and political tangle:  Technically, it is a federalist republic. 

Vladimir:  Is there a difference?

Hester:  Yes.  In a democracy, everything is voted on by all of the people together.  Each person has one vote.  So, for example, if a new law about basket-weaving is needed, the law is proposed and sent out to all of the population to be voted upon.

Ahmed, confused:  Why would anyone make a law about basket-weaving?

Hester:  It’s just an example, Ahmed. 

Vladimir:  And a republic?

Hester:  In a republic, each person has the right to vote for people who will represent him or her  in a legislative or executive capacity.  Large areas are broken down into smaller areas, each of those smaller areas are assigned a representative, and then the people in that area vote to chose the person that will be the representative.  That representative then goes to vote or work for the people in his or her area. 

Ahmed:  Ah, but the president is the leader of your entire country, so that would mean that everyone votes for the president at once? 

Hester:  Not exactly.  That’s where Vladimir’s Electoral College comes in.  Each person votes for an elector from his or her area that is pledged to vote for a particular candidate.  The electors then vote for the president. 

Vladimir:  Shouldn’t the results be the same between the two methods?  If everyone votes for president through electors, then the person who gets the most votes will win, regardless?

Hester:  Not always.

Ahmed:  Then the United States can’t be a democracy!

Hester, annoyed:  Ahmed, I already told you we are a republic.  There’s a difference!

Vladimir:  Why have a method of voting that would allow a person with less votes than another to win? 

Hester:  Well, there are people in the United States that agree with you Vladimir, and think we should do away with the Electoral College and simply go with a simple majority vote for president. 

Ahmed, curious:  What about you?

Hester:  I’ve thought about it a lot, and I disagree with them.  The current way in which we elect presidents ensures protections not only for the majority of people, but for minorities as well. 

Vladimir:  Do you really want to tackle civil rights today?

Hester:  No, I’m not talking about discrimination, but providing protections for the rights of rural as well as municipal areas. 

Ahmed:  That’s about as clear as mud.

Hester:  When the Constitution was created, there were thirteen states.  The states with less people in it were concerned that the states with more people in them would simply be able to ride rough shod over them if protections were not provided.  A great deal of the unique and great aspects of the United States Constitution come from the compromises that solved the small state/large state dilemma. 

Ahmed:  Wasn’t Benjamin Franklin involved in that somehow?

Vladimir:  Of course.  Benjamin Franklin was involved in everything. 

Hester, ignoring the non-sequiturs:  One of the compromises involved establishing two parts of Congress, the Senate and the House.  Each state is allowed two, and only two, senators.  In the House of Representatives, though, the number of representatives a state has is decided by the population of that state.

Vladimir, politely:  Gesundheit.

Ahmed:  I don’t think he understood.

Hester:  For example, the state with the most people in it is California.  The state with the fewest number of people in it is Wyoming.  Both  California, with its approximately 53 million people, and Wyoming, with its less than 800,000 people, have two senators each.  However, California has 53 Congressmen, while Wyoming has one Congressman.

Ahmed:  I understand all that, but what on earth does that have to do with the Electoral College?

Hester:  Well, the number of electors a state has is also based upon population.  California in 2004 and 2008 had 55 electors and Wyoming in 2004 and 2008 had 3 electors.  When people go to elect the president, their vote is tallied district by district, so Wyoming’s district 1 can vote for candidate 1, while Wyoming’s district 2 will vote for candidate 2.  In all but two states, Maine and Nebraska, the candidate with the most districts gets all of the electoral votes of that state.  So, for example if candidate 1 has 26 of California’s districts, and candidate 2 has 25 of California’s districts, then candidate 1 gets all 55 of California’s electoral votes.

Vladimir:  Then what I said is true  – the person with the most votes will still win the election. 

Hester:  Most of the time that is true, but not always.  If a candidate takes, for example, 20 districts with smaller populations in a state, while the other candidate takes 19 districts from cities, then the candidate with 20 districts wins all of the votes for that state, even though his or her popular vote in that state is less.  It’s happened four times in the history of the United States – 1824, 1876, 1888 and 2000.

Ahmed, confused:  And you think that is a good thing?

Hester:  Well, as I said, there are people who disagree, but as it stands, the system prevents a large urban majority from trampling upon the rights of smaller areas.  This means that a presidential candidate cannot really expect to be elected by promising areas with large populations everything they want at the expense of the smaller populations.  The candidate has to appeal to at least some of the smaller communities. 

Ahmed, thoughtfully:  I see your point, but I can see why some people would not agree. 

Hester, taking a sip of her tea, which has had enough time to cool:  Anyway, Vladimir, do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

Vladimir, firmly:  Yes.  Every president of the United States must graduate from THE Electoral College, not AN electoral college.

Hester, defeated:  I knew it was too hot for politics today.

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

Scary Deer; Sinister Squirrels!


Good morning Everyone!

Kayla was talking to me this morning about seeing three doe on the side of the road the other evening grazing, which reminded me about Kayla’s traumatic deer incident.

Doe Grazing

One Doe Grazing

Not many children carry a fear of deer, I realize, but I can trace this particular fear, which has only recently resolved, to a house-hunting expedition when she was almost five.  We were in a small town looking at houses, when we walked into one split-level ranch-style home with two bedrooms in what most people would think of as a basement area.

In one bedroom, someone apparently had thought it would be funny to take a deer head that was mounted to hang on a wall and instead tuck it neatly into a bed in the room.

Mounted Deer Head on Wall

A Mounted Deer Head on a Wall, where a Mounted Deer Head is Supposed to Reside!

That someone was not parent to an almost five-year old named Kayla.  She entered the room, and started to tremble all over.  Once we finally figured out what she was scared of, we scooted her out of there in a hurry, only to be told by her that she was certain that she saw the deer wink at her, and she could see its hooves in the bed peeking out at her!

Have you ever tried to reason with a four-year old?  I don’t recommend it, unless it is on a critical, concrete safety issue such as not playing with the stove or electrical plugs.  Apparently, a four-year old can understand avoidance of pain, but not logic with respect to the fact that mounted deer heads are not alive and do not have legs.

Ever since that day, any house hunting expedition or discussion of buying a house is prefaced by her trembling query, “But not the deer house, Mama.  Right?”

The Squirrel

I personally am not nearly as afraid of mounted deer heads as I am of the kamikaze squirrels that live along the roads that lead to our house.  I do not know what possesses these squirrels, but they run across the road recklessly regardless of approaching  vehicles.  Usually, in the spring time, you have one or two young squirrels that unfortunately are not smart enough to realize that running across the road, especially immediately in front of approaching cars,  is generally not good for a squirrel’s health,  but this spring, in our town, I have seen very large, healthy older squirrels skittle across the road without the slightest hesitation while I hit the brakes with all my might, steer to the side, swing my right arm out across Kayla’s chest as if my arm can protect her if neither the seat belt nor the air bag do, and pray that I miss the squirrel as well as the hill  on my side of the road.  The squirrels may not be suffering any anxiety from their lifestyle, but it’s about to give me nightmares!

Squirrel

A Squirrel Posted On Surveillance

All of which makes me wonder if, instead of simply comfortable but slightly stupid squirrels, my neighborhood is populated by evil squirrels hatching a sinister plot to take over the neighborhood through forcing every vehicle in it to wreck, thereby requiring the residents of the Sherwood Forest neighborhood (no lie, that is my neighborhood’s name) to have to walk everywhere. And after our neighborhood, what lies next for the squirrels?  The town, the county, the state, the country and then the world!   This theory is bolstered by the (out of neighborhood/out of county) squirrel that lies in wait for Mark on his way to work every day, ready to scurry across the road immediately in front of his car as soon as the squirrel sees it.

Maybe that’s why dogs always want to chase squirrels…

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

Hair Wars: Tangled


Good morning Everyone!

One of the things I never expected to deal with as the mother of a girl was the fact that said girl would be in a permanent war with her hair.

Hair War!

Hair War!

This war is something completely foreign to me, especially since I unconditionally surrendered to my hair at about the age of 8.  I let it part where it wants to part, am reconciled to the fact that it is straight unless forced to curl with a perm (and then it stays curly foreeeeeevvvvvveeeeeeerrrrr), and know that I have very little say in the way it ultimately will look on any given day.  If it feels like having a good hair day, we will look good; if it feels like having a bad hair day, that’s why God invented baseball caps and head bands!

White Flag, surrender

The White Flag of Surrender

Kayla, however, has much more of a fighting spirit than I do about most things, so she is not about to surrender unconditionally to an inanimate object she controls.  All of these factors together brought us to the 10 minute conniption fit on Tuesday over the fact that her hair was in a mass of tangles, and it hurt to brush through it.  Well, those factors, along with the fact that the child had kept her hair up in a ponytail/bun without taking it down since Sunday morning.  When asked how she had washed her hair with it that way, she proudly announced that she had just dunked the entire ‘do in the water and spritzed some shampoo through it and then rinsed.  (Fellow parents can imagine the collective groan shared between Mark and I at that point.)

I told her she could either solve the problem, or I would solve it by brushing her hair.  This suggestion did not recommend itself to her, since when I pull the hairbrush through her hair, it does hurt some if the hair is too tangled.  I went on to finish getting ready and found, at the end of 10 minutes, that she had found a way to tame her hair into submission – mousse.  She had found some mousse, slathered her hair with it, and then brushed.

Styling Hair

Styling Hair

She enjoyed the brushing so much at that point that she kept on brushing her hair as we entered the car.  Once she finished, she pulled the visor mirror down, surveyed the results, and announced, “I like that mousse!  It brings out my inner curl!”

Rita Hayworth, Hiar Wave

Letting Your Inner Curl Shine

Have a great day everyone, and a fantastic Fourth of July!

Happy Fourth of July!

Nancy

Mandy’s Turn


husky basset hound mix

Me!

Hi!

I asked the people puppy what our  Mom is doing when she sits in front of the big black rectangle and moves her fingers while I eat breakfast.  My people puppy told me that Mom was writing, and showed me some of the posts about me in the blog our Mom writes.  I think she was a little confused when she wrote them.  She’s not really a morning person, you know – I have to work really hard to wake her up at the proper time.  Sometimes I have to circle the bed from 4 a.m. until almost 7!  I used to be able to walk on her hair to wake her up, but for some strange reason she cut most of it off, and now it is too short for me to do that.  It’s a shame, because she made some really neat noises when I would do it.

Newfound Gap

My people puppy

Any way, to help her out and make sure you don’t get the wrong idea, I thought I’d give you the real scoop on things.

Australian shepherd mix, dog in back yard, dog in sun

My sister, Tyra

It may surprise you to learn that I am adopted.  In fact, all of my siblings – my people puppy and Darwin and Tyra – are adopted as well.  It doesn’t matter, though, because Mom and Dad love all of us lots.  I do think it is a little unfair that the people puppy gets to go everywhere with them, and I don’t, but I try hard not to mind because I know that Mom and Dad love me best – why, they call me “Bad Dog” (that’s one of my nicknames) more than any of my siblings, which means that I am very special.  (My sister, Tyra, rolls her eyes when I say that like I am wrong, but I know that she’s just a little jealous about it.)

Black lab, crazy Dog

My brother Darwin – he’s a little crazy!

Although I would like to travel with Mom and Dad more, my life here is pretty good.  Darwin, my younger brother, and I play together a lot, although I am still having to teach him about proper food etiquette – I don’t like it when he tries to hang around my food bowl.  My sister Tyra is very sweet, but has a hard time moving around the house now without someone to help her.  Mom and Dad do a really good job helping her.  That’s a good thing, because if they didn’t do it, I’d probably have to!

Mom and Dad are a little odd about some things, though.  I’m always very polite and wait until they’re done, but if they’re finished with their food, why can’t I go ahead and help myself to it?  It’s not like they want it anymore!  The same is true with stuff in the trash can – does it really matter what happens to it once they are through with it?  Any reasonable person would know that such things are fair game once they hit the trash, but not Mom and Dad!  I guess every set of parents have their eccentricities.

Family picture

Mom and Dad, in 2008, during yet another trip I wasn’t allowed to go on!

They also spend part of their nights watching this square frame in the living room that makes sounds and shows pictures.  I watch it sometimes, but it,s not really that interesting – nothing on it is real.  You can see and hear the pictures, but there’s no smells attached to them.  Every thing that’s real has a specific smell.

Oh, and I need to set the record straight about the day I came home.  Mom wrote that I ran away twice, but I really didn’t.  I was just so happy that I had a chance to stretch my legs that I took a couple of joy laps.  The look on her face was really funny, too, each time that I did it!  The best part was when she picked me up in the pet store and the people puppy introduced me and told my story to every one we saw.  It really made my day!

Christmas, 2007

Mom in the morning – this was Christmas, 2007 and she was more awake than she usually is in the morning. Still, she wasn’t exactly bright eyed and bushy tailed, even then!

Uh-oh – I can hear Mom emerging from her lair now to get ready for work, so I better sign off.  Just remember what I said, keep the story straight and forgive Mom for her inaccuracies.  Poor thing, she doesn’t understand how to get up in the morning!

Mandy

The Great Chicken Caper


Good morning Everyone!

Welcome to Mystery Investigations – Going to the Dogs, a new reality show that chronicles the investigations performed by our intrepid adventurer who refuses to stop until she has reached the truth.  Today’s episode features “The Mystery of the Missing Chicken.”

I brought home a serving of chicken and rice as takeout one evening, and unfortunately Mark did not like the chicken.  I went ahead and fixed him a can of soup, so while I was doing so, I placed the chicken plate on the kitchen counter and then forgot about it – until I brought the soup bowl back in the kitchen, where I found the following plate awaiting me:

Rice, Chicken dinner, left over food

The Plate With (or Without) the Missing Chicken!

While I am not a trained investigator, it was difficult to miss the fact that the leg and breast quarter that formerly resided on the plate was now missing. Even worse, it was completely missing – there were no left over bones lying on the kitchen floor, no grease anywhere, no chicken skin or spare pieces of chicken.  Not a single speck.

Since Kayla wasn’t home that night, we only had three potential suspects.

1) Our oldest dog, Tyra, an Australian Shepherd mix who is 10 years old.

Dog

Tyra

2) Our middle dog, Mandy a/k/a Bad Dog, who is somewhere around 5, but I never can remember exactly how old she is.

Basset Hound Husky dog

Mandy, Our Husky-Basset Hound Mix

3) Our youngest dog, Darwin a/k/a No-No, who will be 3 on December 15.

Lab, Dog, Darwin

Darwin

Using the time-honored method of means, motive and opportunity, Tyra was quickly eliminated. Not only is she completely blind, but even on her hind paws she would never be tall enough to reach the top of the counter.

That left me with only two suspects remaining, Darwin and Mandy. Both of them had the means – Darwin is tall, and Mandy is long. Both of them had a sufficient motive – cooked chicken apparently is a far cry better than Kibbles and Bits! Finally, both of them had opportunity, since they both were out of sight for at least some period of time while I was sitting with Mark while he ate his soup. So instead I had to turn to the less reliable and normally inadmissible realm of character evidence.

Dog, eating, counter

Character Evidence, Exhibit A: Mandy Leaving the Counter in our Old House

In court, evidence regarding a person’s character in the past is not admissible to prove guilt for the crime the person is currently accused of. There are exceptions to that rule, and I judicially decreed another exception for dogs who steal chicken off of the counter.

Reviewing the character evidence available to me, it was clear that the culprit was not Darwin, but Mandy.

First, Bad Dog did not earn her name unjustly. She likes to chew, will do so unabashedly and will pluck things off of a table or a counter in a heartbeat, as this video shows:

Second, before Mandy was found and put in the Montgomery Humane Society Shelter for Kayla and I to find her, she survived scavenging in the dumpster at McDonald’s, and probably other places as well.  She has still not forgotten how to scavenge, and isn’t afraid to practice her survival skills at a moment’ s notice.

Third, Mandy was the only dog who looked like this when an inquiry was made about the chicken:

Mandy, dog, husky  basset hound mix

Mandy post-chicken

Even without the post-chicken bone digestive problems the next day, I think I had an air tight case against her, don’t you?

Have a great day everyone!

Nancy

I think I need some more electronics….


Good morning Everyone!

Last night, Mark and I were researching an issue that required us to consult two different websites at the same time, so he pulled out his iPad and I pulled out mine and we began.

iPad

An iPad

(Excuse me just a minute while I retrieve a stray handkerchief from No-no.)

Dog, Chewing, Handkerchief

No-no caught in the act!

While you may think two iPad’s in one family is excessive, that only begins the tally of the various computing electronic gizmos we have wandering around the house.   In addition to the two iPad’s (2), we also have my trusty Acer (3),  from which I write and find illustrations for my blogs and we have a Le Novo laptop (4) which we bought for Mark’s work three years ago that now we use for financial stuff, since his new job provided him with a laptop for his use. (5).  His work laptop comes home every night in his briefcase and goes back to work in the briefcase in the morning.

Briefcase, Laptop

Mark’s Briefcase is bigger than this!

My work computer (a Dell Inspiron) is a frequent but not permanent visitor at home, so I won’t include it in the tally.  A defunct Hewlett-Packard laptop (6) roams around the old house at will – it was Mark’s work computer for about five years, until it caught a virus that we couldn’t cure.  We have the HP NetBook (7) that was a Mother’s Day gift for me and which we now have passed down to Kayla.

In addition to the computers, we also have one iPhone (Mark’s)(8) and one smart phone (mine) (9), three Kindles (Kayla’s Kindle (10), my original Kindle (11) and my Kindle Fire (12) which Mark and Kayla gave me for Christmas last year) and one defunct Blackberry with no service that Kayla gets to use for her pretend cell phone.  (13).  I’m not entirely sure that we ever got rid of my first car phone, a bag phone that we got in the early 1990’s and which I used until 2001, but I better not count it since I haven’t visually verified its existence for a year or two.

Cell phones, smart phones

That doesn’t even begin to count the various toys that Kayla has which have some variation of a computer chip in them, since as the Nintendo DS and her portable DVD player.  (The portable DVD player was much cheaper than installing a DVD player in both cars and keeps her very entertained on long trips.)   Nor does it include the biggest computing devices in our possession – our two cars.  You’d be surprised (unless you’ve ever had to have work on one) how many parts of an automobile now require a working computer chip.

And of course, each electronic computing device comes complete with cords, charging cords, instructions and all other kinds of stuff that are just begging for me to lose them.

I guess the bright side to this embarrassment of riches is that we have the makings of our very own Cray computer should the world-as-we-know-it ever come to an end!

I think I need some more electronics…..

Have a good day everyone!

Nancy

“Somewhere Safe”


Good morning Everyone!

Pens

I have long known that someday I will open a closet door, and in a manner akin to Fibber McGee’s closet, every pen I have ever lost will come cascading out of it onto my head, at which time I will have the fortunate opportunity to practice self-restraint by NOT swearing, but rather observing , “Behold, my head hath just been struck by one thousand three hundred seventy-eight pens in less than five seconds.”

Fibber McGee's Closer

Fibber McGee’s Closet

What I have recently discovered is that the contents of the closet will not only include pens but all of the items that I have stored “somewhere safe” over the years, only to discover when I needed an item that “somewhere safe” was so safe that it even protected the item from me.

The frustrating thing about “somewhere safe” is that once I start looking for a particular item that resides there, I see the item in my mind’s eye, and have the nagging feeling that if I just thought a little bit harder I could find its secure hiding place.

Safe

Somewhere safe?

The latest in a long list of items that I can’t seem to put my hands on is the card reader which will read Mark’s Nikon camera card.  When I was searching for the download cable, which I never found, I ran across it, and I could have sworn (another feature of “somewhere safe”) that I placed it with the other download cables that didn’t work.  It’s not there now, though.

Alien, Remote

Alien with his sinister experiment remote control

I do wonder where the pens and other stuff are being hidden until that grand glorious day when they all shower themselves upon me from Fibber McGee’s closet’s first cousin – Shangri-La, where a couple of bored monks are making life merry by watching me hunt for items they have “borrowed” through a hidden camera?  Maybe they are being stored in a secret vault buried deep in a missile silo in Nebraska or Montana as part of a secret government conspiracy.  Maybe they are being abducted by aliens as part of a sinister experiment with purpose unknown.   (Exactly how many ways can you use a plethora of pens and papers, sprinkled through with loose screws, a card reader, several books, twelve magazines and at least three chew toys?)  Maybe they are being stolen and stored by a doomsayer anxious to survive the days after the apocalypse with enough pens to see him or her through.  All I know for sure is that they can’t possibly be disappearing because I simply lose them.

Until the answers are revealed, if they ever are, open your closets with care.  I’d hate it if you got injured opening my “safe” storage cabinet by mistake.

Have a great day!

Nancy